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Tom Nook is richer than Jeff Bezos — but does this raccoon deserve all that wealth?

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Nintendo must be rubbing their hands in glee. There’s no way they could’ve predicted just how perfect the timing of the latest Animal Crossing game would be.

Released at the start of a global pandemic and lockdown — a time when people are rightly stressed and worried — the calming nature of Animal Crossing: New Horizons has hit a cultural nerve. In a good way.

But, if you scratch beneath the surface of this idyllic seeming lifestyle simulation, there’s a darkness at its heart, and it goes by the name of Tom Nook.

We’ve already covered how this raccoon (and yes, in the West, he’s a goddamn raccoon) is a misogynist and tyrant, but new “data” has revealed just how bad this situation really is.

[Read: We got 5 game devs to explain why Animal Crossing is so damn good]

In a highly debatable, but ultimately amusing, bit of data trickery, the press-hungry people at Online Casinos (don’t gamble, it’s dumb) worked out that Tom Nook is worth $5,770,052,748,058.73 — making him 40 times richer than Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Now, we don’t care to debate the accuracy of this claim. Instead we want to discuss whether it’s a good thing or not that a mere raccoon can own more wealth than our very own king of human exploitation, Jeff Bezos.

And that’s what we’re going to do.

Tom Nook, who is a raccoon, is richer than Bezos and that’s GREAT

Our biblical version of God might be dead, but there’s an overlord who’s even more efficient. And his name? (It’s definitely a man, don’t worry) Well, he’s called capitalism.

While the old biblical God might have smote you for being a different religion or a non-believer, capitalism is fair. It’s totally fair. Anyone can become rich — even a raccoon.

Hell, would I want a raccoon in my country club? No, and I was instrumental in writing that by-law, but I do support their ability to get filthy rich.

And this is what’s so brilliant about our capitalist system, anyone can get disgustingly wealthy. There are no barriers to entry. That’s why you’ll never, ever, ever find a single billionaire from an incredibly wealthy and influential family. Or one whose parents owned an emerald mine.

It’s just unheard of.

Really, as long as wealth is concentrated in the hands (or paws) of the few, then I’m happy. Could you imagine what all those poor folk would do if they had cash? Terrifying.

My only issue with Tom Nook is this: He’s too friendly. There are no deadlines for loan payments, zero interest, and I have never once seen him feasting on virgin blood to prolong his accursed life. 

But, you can’t argue with results. Or the fact he seems to have enslaved his children. I tip my tophat to you, my furry friend.

Tom Nook, who is a raccoon, is richer than Bezos and that’s TERRIBLE

Tom Nook has you believing he’s a charitable philanthropist that cares about nothing but the wellbeing of his island residents. In fact, he’s a con-artist that has you wrapped around his little raccoon finger from day one.

Despite not actually being a villain, Tom Nook was nominated as one of the top antagonists in a Nintendo Game in the 2003 Annual Nintendo Power Awards — and this still rings true. 

Let’s chat about Mr. Nook though. He’s been the dictator of Animal Crossing islands since 2001, but where did he get his status and wealth from? Probably from his capitalist-raccoon father. Or slavery.

When I found out just how rich Tom Nook was, I wasn’t surprised. From the second you move into his island, you’re jobless and drowning in debt. 

There’s no way to pay this crook back, unless you become his property. This raccoon forces you to do all the island’s dirty work, from weeding to mapping out and funding the whole infrastructure, and for what? Nothing. Not even one lousy bell. 

He sits on a throne of exploitation and demand. Every bell you earn somehow manages to make its way back into his raccoon-pocket. All while making no effort himself to develop the island. Well, other than forcing you to pay for another bridge.

There’s no denying this doesn’t make him a genius. Tom Nook being the richest raccoon-man on the planet is yet another sad reminder of the world we’re living in — one that rewards capitalist slave-owners with an unwavering status in society.

Published April 24, 2020 — 09:10 UTC

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