Gadgets for humans

Let us put pictures of genitalia on these speakers, you cowards

Who are we to argue with nature?

UE Boom customize header
Price $ 150 ProductBOOM 3 by Ultimate Ears

Here’s some news: Ultimate Ears (the company behind the greatest portable, bluetooth speakers ever) is launching a service that’ll let you customize your Boom speaker. Called MyBoom Studio, the service lets people select a range of fabric patterns, decide the colors of the volume buttons and other parts, and put text on the spine.

“Great…” you might think, but you’d be incorrect. Yeah, 12 types of fabric patterns, and eight colors might be okay for some, but not me. So, cowards at Ultimate Ears, I’ll ask you this once: let us upload our own images to put on the UE Boom 3.

I know what you’re thinking: “Doesn’t this mean there’d be UE Booms covered in penises, boobs, and vaginas?” Yes, of course. But isn’t that what true, chest-thumping American freedom is about? A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage, and genitalia on every speaker.

Currently, this is about the most offensive-looking speaker I could make:

Ugh, I love it and I hate it.

While this $180 device is awful, it’s nowhere near monstrous enough. For the extra 30 bucks it costs to get this personalization, I want something better. Or worse, I guess.

I want my speaker to be in all the colors of the rainbow. I want extra buttons. I want extra buttons on top of my extra buttons. I want those (extra buttons)2 to have photos of my face on them. And you know what I want most? A speaker covered in so many crudely drawn genitalia that it’s literally against the law to even take it outside. That, friends, is freedom.

So, cowards at Ultimate Ears, I hope you’re listening. It’s up to you to show the world you aren’t scared of another Boaty McBoatface or Walkers’ Crisps controversy. No, people can’t be trusted – but that’s not your fault.

Do it. It probably won’t be too bad. Probably.

Currently, you can only get this lily-livered excuse for speaker customization in the US. Ultimate Ears will be rolling out the MyBoom Studio platform in the summer. Hopefully by then, I’ll have the genitalia-plastered speaker of my dreams.

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Published March 4, 2019 — 15:03 UTC

Price $ 150 ProductBOOM 3 by Ultimate Ears