I pimped up my house with these cool LEDs and I’m still a loser

Something’s been missing in my life lately. Cash? No. I work in media, I’m rich. Power? Sure, I could always use more of that. But that’s not it. Beauty? Fuck no, I’m gorgeous. Yet I still feel like a loser. Because my house lacks a certain… Instagrammableness.

(Disclaimer: this review is a piece of satire, but the opinions expressed about the product are still genuine.)

It’s a huge problem, really — and it’s been a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. Having a trendy-looking house is an essential part of being cool these days, and I have always struggled to achieve decent Feng Shui at my place.

Think about the defining traits of your coolest friends. I bet all of them have one of the following things in their crib: a record collection (placed on a central shelf everyone can see) but no record player, a collage of photos with their friends from various travels in Tokyo (or NYC, or some mountains), a record player but no records to spin, LED lights.

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Since I despise music, and hate traveling even more, that pretty much left me with one option: LED lights.

Pimping up my studio with LIFX Beam

Philips Hue is cool, but I’ll be damned if I settle for such a mainstream option. That’s why I opted to adorn my studio with the LIFX Beam.

The lights come in a kit of six “beams,” plus an extra corner attachment that lets you arrange them in a custom shape. Each beam attaches to the next one with a magnet. I thought about coming up with some cool geometirc shapes, but I ultimately made a straight line with my beams.

Look at this beauty.

So polished, so fresh, so clean.

Looking at the images on LIFX’s site, I was under the impression the beams use some wireless magic to power them up, but I soon discovered those pics were all a sham. I had to attach a cord to one of the beams to switch them on. I felt a little lied to, but it was too late, I had to suck it up. Whatever.

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I downloaded the LIFX app to set up the Beam, and after opening up an account and feeding it my Wi-Fi password, the lights were finally connected to my router.

With that, I immediately had access to suite of preprogrammed “effects” for the lights — each designed to accommodate my palette of moods. Color Cycle for when I’m going through emotions, Spooky for the Halloween season, and Random for when I’m out but still want my house to attract the attention of passers-by.

There’s also a feature to set just one color, and adjust the brightness and saturation. Green for when I’m meditating, blue for when I’m feeling the blues, and red for when I’m, uhm, feeling myself.

I’ll admit, though, while the Beam boosts the overall Instagrammableness of my house, it’s tough to keep it zen when its app constantly disregards my wishes. Try setting up the brightness and see what happens. It’s like this thing has a mind of its own. It hardly ever does what you ask of it.

Instagrammableness and reflections on life

So was it worth it? Perhaps it was.

Sure the app is a little crappy, and you might encounter some responsiveness issues, but the Beam brings the rainbow to your house — and that’s worth something. It’s worth $150, to be precise.

Yes, the LIFX beam made my crib a lot more Instagrammable, but, at the end of the day, that didn’t make me feel any less of a loser. It turns out that pimping up my house can only do so much — the journey towards coolness is about finding the brightness within your own soul.

If you’d like one, you can grab a LIFX Beam for $150 by clicking here.

Anyways, my Beam is giving me the red light, talk another time.

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