Gangster rapping hackers warn us about the dangers of ransomware

We’re all vulnerable to attack. Not just TNW, not just the US, but the entire internet. And it is a serious problem. Sure, we talked about WannaCry and other cyberattacks, but we simply weren’t aware of how big the problem had become.

The time for panic is now: hip-hop grudges (colloquially referred to as “beef” by insiders) have entered into the computer security world and yo: seriously, it’s on.

Fuck Zone Alarm, or fuckzonealarm.com as the case may be, is our first documented case of gangster rappers-cum-hackers openly releasing a diss track against a fine-and-upstanding member of the computer security business community.

I have to admit, when I received the pitch – err I mean transmission from the mysterious rapper/hacker/YouTuber triple threats – I felt dubious about the prospects of finding anything worthwhile to write about.

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Then I was peer-pressured by a group of international news gangsters — my beloved colleagues — into covering this.

And cover this I shall.

The performances within the masterpiece – and bet your mint-condition 3^rd Bass CDs it’s a damn masterpiece – are reminiscent of the final vestiges of the Golden Age of Hip Hop. Here we’re privvy to a shady criminal death-rattle that hearkens back to a simpler time, when everyone knew that ladies loved Cool James.

Not content simply to coax the English language into the chaotic urban poetry we’ve come to love from familiar artists, the ambition of Handsome Ransom and Jongotti Yofiles is to re-imagine the very nature of fear. This seminal work conjures hints of Tech N9ne or Esham — into something you can compile mindless amounts of code into an actionable piece of ransomware to.

Can I get a what-what from all of my programmers mashing mad keys for paper?

My final review: Imagine your webpage just went from zonealarm.com to fuckzonealarm.com. That’s what it feels like to be hacked. Kudos to ZoneAlarm, and Allenby Concept House, for pulling it off.

UPDATE 2:02PM CST 8/24: We removed the link to a video featuring the song and “rappers” mentioned in the article at the request of a representative for Check Point. Perhaps those kudos were premature, we’ll update if we learn any new information.