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This article was published on June 9, 2021

After FaceTime, here’s how Apple can half-ass its other apps to Android

A guide on making non-iOS users feel like the shitheads they are

After FaceTime, here’s how Apple can half-ass its other apps to Android
Callum Booth
Story by

Callum Booth

Editor of Plugged by TNW

Callum is an Englishman in Amsterdam, but not in the way you're thinking. He's the Editor of Plugged, TNW's consumer tech vertical. He w Callum is an Englishman in Amsterdam, but not in the way you're thinking. He's the Editor of Plugged, TNW's consumer tech vertical. He writes about gear, gadgets, and apps — with a particular focus on Apple — and also makes the occasional odd video. Basically, he's halfway between an abrasive gadget nerd and thinky art boy.

Big news from WWDC: FaceTime will be available on Windows and Android! Apart from! Not really! Because the port! Is total shit!

In case you missed the update, Apple has spent the past year trying to copy Zoom. Part of this is that FaceTime, its video calling app, is opening up. This is all well and good — besides the fact that you can’t really use FaceTime if you’re not on an Apple device.

Can you you participate in a FaceTime call if you’re on on Windows and Android? Yes! But can you start a FaceTime call? No! Can you share your screen? Nope! Can you add or remove people from the FaceTime call? Of course not! And can you use the new SharePlay feature? You must be having a fucking giggle!

Look, I get why Apple’s done this: anyone not using an iPhone can suck a big, stinky, hairy fleshmound. But it did get me thinking. What other Apple services, features, and apps could the company spitefully fuck up for users of other operating systems?

And, importantly, how could they do it? I’ve got the answers.

Apple TV+

Yeah, you can watch Ted Lasso on your Google Pixel or Roku or Android TV in general, but now it’s only gonna stream at 460p. Have fun enjoying that delightful blend of British and American comedy when you can’t tell which character is which, losers.

pixelated image of Ted Lasso
Now I’m thinking about it, Apple should really limit video quality on FaceTime for Android too.

iMessage

Say it with me now: Android users will only receive iMessages in Wingdings. Everything they send to the chosen ones (AKA iOS users) will be in normal text, but everything they get in return? Well, it’ll look like this:

Wingdings in iMessage
Maybe Apple can find a way of using Wingdings in FaceTime too.

Apple Fitness+

What happens if a Windows user wants to get fit using Apple’s guided workouts? Well, they can. They can exercise to their heart’s content. They’ve just got to get used to being called a fat piece of worthless shit every 30 seconds. A trade worth making.

Memoji

“I’ve got an idea, Tim.”

“Shoot.”

“We let Windows and Android users have Memoji.”

“…”

“But their avatars are ugly.”

“I’m listening.”

“And where their mouths should be, there are glistening rectums instead.”

“Continue.”

“And shit literally falls out of their assmouths whenever they talk.”

“Go on.”

“And their Memoji rub their faces in it and shout about how much they like being covered in shit.”

“Ship it.”

Fin.

Some may say this article is childish and petty and spiteful. In response to that, I’d like to direct your attention to the Windows and Android ‘port’ of FaceTime. Thanks for your time.

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