Gadgets for humans

This $4.5k MMA-themed titanium phone should be even more expensive

It's a bargain and you'll regret not buying one

MMA fight phone

It makes me sad every time I pull my phone out of my pocket. Yeah, it’s a breathtaking piece of technology and example of human ingenuity, but I can’t look at it without thinking “why isn’t this advertising an MMA fight?”

I know you feel the same. I understand why you spent four fully-clothed hours, rocking back-and-forth in the shower. I get it. You needed one thing and one thing only: a $4,560 titanium-coated iPhone emblazoned with references to the Conor McGregor vs. Khabib Nurmagomedov UFC fight that took place over the weekend.

Well, dearest one, you’re in luck. Caviar’s Titans Of Force brand has released its Khabib vs. McGregor iPhone Xs/ Xs Max phone and, best of all, it can be yours.

Stare long and hard at into its shiny surface:

So this is what it’s like to look at the face of god.

Yes, at a cool $4,560 for an iPhone Xs 64Gb, it’s $3,560 more expensive than just buying it from Apple. Yes, that’s a lot of money. But also yes, it’s the bargain of a lifetime.

Let’s look at the phone’s main features and find out why.

The eagle and tiger that are “leading a stiff battle” (+$7,000)

This is the stuff. Right here, is where the stuff is.

Magnificent.

There’s a lot of symbology on this phone. Powerful, absorbable symbology. And if you can absorb it? It’s worth money.

First off, the fact that the “bas-relief of eagle” (+$1,000) and “bas-relief of tiger” (+$1,000) represent Khabib Nurmagomedov (+$1,000) and Conor McGregor(+$1,000) respectively is powerful. Two fighters? Badass. The fact the fighters are animals? That animorphs influenced stuff is so badass it just went out and bought a bandana and a quad bike.

Now we’re at it, warfare and fighting is cool (+$1,000) by itself, but you know what’s cooler than that? Interspecies warfare (+$2,000). God, I’m excited.

The promo video (+$6,000)

This is bubbling like a hormonal stew.

The soaring strings, the liberal use of words like “force” and “destroy”, the fire graphics – this promo has it all. It’s hard to put a monetary value on its importance (art elevates the soul and that’s priceless) but they say “fight” six separate times in like 97 seconds, so that’s worth at least six thousand dollars.

The “boxing ring” on the back (+$3,000)

They say good fighting is all about deception. You force your opponent to expect one thing and then you attack in another. This is what I assume influenced Caviar when it said this about the ring on the back of the phone:

“The spectacular, clean-cut geometry reminding the lines of the boxing ring attracts eyes and doesn’t let it go…”

Interesting approach. The athletes are competing in MMA and I’m pretty sure that a boxing ring is square.

So, you know, deception (+$3,000).

The lifestyle improvement you get from owning a box like this (+$98,000)

Don Draper’s wet dream.

Advertising always comes true, just ask anyone who has ever bought perfume. That’s why this final image of the Caviar device is so alluring. Look at it.

You’ll become the sort of person who smokes with a pipe and not out of a piece of copper pipe (+$25,000). You’ll drink wine (+$10,000) out of bottles (+$5,000), rather than moonshine (+$15,000) out of old milk cartons (+$10,000). You’ll sign things with a pen (+$5,000) made out of some sort of rare and endangered animal (+$20,000), instead of your blood (+$7,000).

Imagine that.

Plus, that box looks like it’s worth some money too (+$1,000). Bless adverts for automatically changing the way we live.

How much is the Caviar fight-phone actually worth?

All the above features add an astonishing $114,000 of extra value. Considering Caviar are only charging you $3,560 on top of the normal price of the phone, you’d be stupid not to buy it.

So what are you waiting for? Go on, buy it. How else will you fill that aching void inside you?

Published October 9, 2018 — 10:44 UTC