Moms, right? From carrying you in her bulging belly for nine months, to softly running her hands through your hair at night after a hard day at school, all the way to her teary eyes and look of pride as you graduate, mothers are a wonderful part of our lives.
This Sunday (13th May), we have a chance to celebrate moms, to show them they’re loved, cared for, and adored. And what better way to demonstrate the depth of our affection by BUYING THEM SOME STUFF, YEAH!
So look. You love your ma’, that’s undebatable, but you’re, like, really busy. That latest Netflix series isn’t gonna watch itself. And that bar down the road? If you’re not in there a few times this week, it might go out of business. Does your mother want the blood of bartenders on her hands? Doubt it. So, in a roundabout way, you’re doing this for her.
But don’t worry, we’re here to help you out. We’ve compiled a selection of potential gifts you get your mom, giving you some time back for your other… responsibilities.
Generalising is never good, but let’s do it anyway. If I know moms – and believe me, I know moms – there are two things they traditionally enjoy: skulls and things with death in the name.
So, grab the most important woman in your life a bag of Death Wish, “the world’s strongest coffee.” She’s probably gonna need it after putting up with all your shit over the years tbqh.
Also, it’s organic and will probably help you get over that nasty hangover/comedown you’re battling after you said, “Yeah, one more won’t hurt” and, before you knew it, the clock struck six in the morning and you stumbled into your room knowing you’ll only get three hours sleep before you have to get up and travel to meet the family for lunch. Mom’s gonna be so proud.
If your family has a dog, great! The Furbo is an internet-connected device lets you keep track of your furry friend when you’re out of the house and even lets you fire treats at the critter.
But that’s not why we’re included it here. In our office, the Furbo is used for the motivational surveillance of the editorial team and I think your mom can take some inspiration from that.
Is your dad just sitting on his arse all day? With the Furbo, your mom can use her smartphone to tell him to get his act together. Is she out for the weekend and worried about a party being thrown in the house? The Furbo has her back.
When it comes to virtual reality, naysayers are always warning us about a world where human interaction flounders and dies, where we no longer connect and we just spend the rest of time alone.
Well, I bet your ma’ would love an Oculus Go this weekend. You know what’s gonna happen: a family member – probably some sort of uncle, right? – sinks one too many brews and goes off on a long rant about how socialised healthcare is really a deep state conspiracy to neuter strong-blooded American males. All she needs to do is strap on this little device and, before she knows it, she’ll be whisked away to a (hopefully) non-racist world of wonder.
The Coravin lets you take wine out of a bottle, but, and here’s the twist, without removing the cork. The idea is that you can just have a single glass of wine without it spoiling or having to drink the whole bottle.
This seems like a passive aggressive way to tell your mom to stop drinking so much, right? I understand where you’re coming from and, let me tell you, you’re 100%, completely correct. That’s your inheritance she’s glugging down there. One glass at a time, mom, slow it down.
“Alexa, block my children’s phone numbers. BLOCK THEM ALEXA, BLOCK THEM ALL.”
Families are pretty much all alike. At some point during a get-together, there’s gonna be an argument – sorry, heated discussion – or, at the very least, a whole load of noise.
In these situations where siblings are squabbling, grandparents groaning, and cousins complaining, how is an innocent Mother gonna be heard? With the world’s loudest bike horn, the Hornit dB140, of course.
When we took this to the streets, tourists didn’t really care, but, I guarantee you if you set this badboy off in the dining room, folks will notice.
Also, she could put it on her bike, I guess.
Before your mom was pregnant with you, I heard she was one hell of an athlete. A balanced runner, strong and nimble, she was heading for big things, but decided to concentrate on raising you right, rather than chasing her own dreams. What a woman.
So, is there a better way then to show her how much you care by… Nah, I can’t do this.
You know what the best gift is? One that you give to someone, but it’s really just a gift for you and, trust me, I know how much you’ve been wanting to improve that jump shot.
Yeah, it might be awkward when your mom opens the box, her face drops about ten feet and she says, “Oh, a… err ShotTracker? For playing… basketball. That’s, uh, very, umm, thoughtful of you. Thanks.”
After that though, this little baby is all yours…
Those poet laureates, the Insane Clown Posse, once posed this philosophical riddle: “Water, fire, air, and dirt / Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
The greatest minds of our age have battled with this and have come up wanting, so who am I to wade in? The thing I do know though is magnets are dope. And lamps are also dope. And when the two are put together in the form of the Heng Lamp, it’s an extra level of dope. Dope-ception? I dunno, I’ll leave that to the experts.
Some ideas of the sort of useful messages your mom can leave on the Light Box:
“Out tonight, see you later.”
“Please, pick up coffee.”
“Clean up your own fucking mess.”
“You were adopted”
You know, your Mom’s a human being, a living, breathing, sighing, heaving collection of cells and flesh. And, just like any human, she can get stressed. Which is why you need to buy her this massager.
And it’s totally a massager, don’t worry about it. At no point is someone going to look at this and think anything other than, “Wow, what a lovely massager, I bet her shoulders and neck are very loose and relaxed.”
Published May 8, 2018 — 16:00 UTC