How to watch porn (at work) and not get caught

Another politician got caught watching porn today and it makes you wonder – don’t these people know how to be discrete about this type of thing? Well, apparently not, which is what has led us to publish a very basic ‘how-to guide’ for enjoying NSFW content at W. Share this with your friends, co-workers and local politicians, please.

These tips come from leading industry experts (AKA a bunch of guys and girls who work at TNW).

1: Use incognito mode

Every modern browser has a thing called incognito or private browsing. It means none of your browsing history is saved. This is the FIRST thing you should do if you want to watch porn at work. To make things even safer, install a separate browser you ONLY use for that special purpose or set incognito/private browsing to come on by default.

2: Use a VPN

There are people snooping around everywhere. If you really want to be safe (on the Web in general) you need to get yourself a VPN. There are several good ones, so use the search bar top right here to find yourself one.

3: Clear your browser history

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This is redundant if you use a separate browser in incognito or private mode, but sometimes someone will send you something and it will open in your default browser. Make sure to always go into your browser history window and manually delete those last few entries. If you don’t there’s a chance that next time you want to demo something for your boss and type in ‘You’ for Youtube it auto-completes to ‘YouPorn’ and you’ll have some explaining to do. In fact, try it now and see what happens if you type ‘Youp’ in your browser URL field.

4: Mute sound or use headphones

You’re really hardcore if you manage to watch a porn movie at your office, but who are we to judge? If you do feel the need to go all-in, just make sure to mute the sound. Even better, attach a headset, and don’t even put it on your head. That way you are sure the sound isn’t accidentally on, and you avoid any mishaps if you turn it on by accident.

5: Check your surroundings

You might feel safe with your back against a wall and facing the rest of the company, but maybe you forgot that small window behind you that acts like a mirror. Check, check and double-check, and then check again. Don’t make this rookie mistake:

6: Use a smaller window

This takes some explaining: open a work document (an Excel sheet is perfect) and below that open a browser window and make it as as wide as your screen but only as high as an inch or so. When people look at your monitor they will see the work document, and won’t immediately focus on that strip of NSFW content you are scrolling through below it. A friend of a friend of mine used to do that in public places all the time,  and I never got caught. I mean, that guy, he never got caught.

7: Use terminal in the forefront and set the opacity to 50%

Sexy is sexier if you don’t see every minute detail. So use your terminal* window with opacity set to 50 per cent and hide your NSFW content behind it. You’ll see it, but people glancing at it casually will just see boring technical text and move right along.

*= If you have to ask how to use terminal, you shouldn’t use terminal.  

8: Set up a dedicated Slack channel for it

There are several invite-only Slack channels I know of that are used to share NSFW content here at TNW (and probably a few more that I don’t know about). The advantage is that you can discreetly check those when you have a minute, and use the /collapse command to hide all open images. Then you can open them one by one if you have a moment by yourself. It’s a great way to share the fun and everyone knows – sharing is caring!

9: Agree on a safe word

Don’t just DM, email or Snapchat your co-workers those selfies you took in the restroom just now. First, check with them if they are ready for it and I don’t mean by pinging them ‘Hey, shall I send you some porn?’ because a notification will pop up just as they are showing someone else that awesome new design. Awkward! So, you should both agree on a safe word or phrase – maybe something like  ‘Can I send you that report now?’ or ‘How was lunch?’ and if the answer is ‘yes’ or ‘great’ you’ll know you are safe.

10: Have your excuse ready

No matter how stealthy you are, you will get caught at some point. It happens. So just make sure you don’t get caught without an excuse. Get one of the excuses xHamster has created for you here or keep a presentation (or blog post) ready on ‘innovation in the adult entertainment industry’ with a bunch of screenshots. When you get caught you just say; ‘Oh yeah, I wanted your opinion on that, mind if we take 10 minutes to walk through this presentation together?’ BOOM. Crisis averted.

And we saved the best tip for last. It’s the number one DON’T to consider:

11: Don’t get distracted and do something else at the same time

You are watching something entertaining and very adult. The phone rings. You pick it up. The conversation is interesting. You switch to notes and now you are screwed. You’ve created a landmine somewhere and soon you’ll switch to another window and you’ll be confronted with two girls or guys doing something awful with a cup or a horse.

So, to avoid this, you need to really resist any temptation to do two things at the same time whilst enjoying NSFW content at the office. When that phone rings take a few seconds to close your windows and quit your browser.

Watching NSFW content takes focus and dedication. It is not for the lighthearted. It can get you in a lot of trouble, which is what makes it so exciting. So be well prepared and enjoy your shenanigans, and do forward us everything you find, but lets agree on that safe-word first.