Is Mario Golf or ‘real’ golf better? We solved it with MATH

I’ve spent the past couple of weeks playing the brand new Mario Golf: Super Rush on the Nintendo Switch. And you know what? It’s fantastic.

Ever since I completed the Tony Hawk’s remaster, I’ve been looking for an arcade-style sports game to wile away many happy hours on — and the new Mario Golf is just that.

But… there’s a hitch. It’s Summer. COVID restrictions are being lifted across the globe. And I’m being pressured to go outside.

Because I’m a weak, pathetic man, I’m unable to simply say “look, I just want to stay indoors and play Mario Golf: Super Rush,” I need something to back this decision up. Luckily, I have the ancient art of mathematics by my side.

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So, in this piece, I’m going to prove with numbers that playing Mario Golf is better than going outside to play real golf. You are most welcome.

Why ‘Mario Golf: Super Rush’ makes more financial sense than playing actual golf

First, we need a benchmark. Mario Golf: Super Rush costs $59.99.

I live in Amsterdam, so I’m going to use figures from around here. The cheapest day pass for a game of golf at the Amsterdam Old Course is €52.50, or $62.70. Already, Mario Golf is better value.

But let’s say I want to play once a week for a year? Well, that’s gonna set me back $3,260.40.

What about clubs though? Well, I can rent a set for $17.92 (€15) a visit, which’ll work out at $931.84 over a year. Or I found I can get a nice looking set from Wilson for $477.74 (€400).

The latter is the cheaper option, so let’s go with that.

You might think we’re done — but you’d be wrong. Unlike Mario Golf, you have to dress like a fucking nerd when you play real golf.

Because we’re not made of time, I went back to Decathlon to put together a cheap golf outfit. A hat ($17.92), a shirt ($29.85), a bodywarmer ($47.77), golf shoes ($83.59), and a pair of trousers ($29.85) come to be $208.98.

I could include other costs in here, such as food or travel, but that seems unfair. I’ll undoubtedly spend a chunk of cash buying snacks and going to the coffeeshop in advance of Mario Golf: Super Rush sessions. Let’s just call it equal.

What we’ve ended up with is that playing “real” golf will cost about $3,947.12. This makes it 65.8 times more expensive than playing Mario Golf: Super Rush. And I severely doubt it’s 65.8 times more fun.

Thanks for solving that, maths.

What about the hidden benefits of playing real golf?

I hear you: golf is about more than just money. What about the mental health benefits (+1)? Meeting people (+1)? The gentle exercise (+1)? The immersion in nature (+1)?

THAT’S FOUR WHOLE POINTS.

Mario Golf: Super Rush can compete with that too. Video games can be good for your brain (+1). The Mario Golf title has a multiplayer mode (+1). And you can use motion controls if you’d like to get the blood pumping (+1).

The only thing that’s harder to simulate is the immersion in nature, but there’s a big tree right outside my window, so I think I’ve got that covered (+1).

That’s four points each: we’re tied. But let’s reverse things a little here. Who do you picture when I say Mario Golf?

It’s Mario, right? With a golf club. That, friends, is a happy picture (+1). But if I ask you to picture someone playing real golf, who comes to mind?

It’s Donald Trump. You’re currently picturing Donald Trump playing golf (-1,000,000,000). No one needs that.

So for this section, we have Mario Golf with a total of five points. And real golf with MINUS nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-six.

I think we can all agree that, with both math and rhetoric, I have proved beyond a doubt that Mario Golf is better than regular golf. Yeah, you could say that comparing a sport to its video game counterpart is childish and pointless, but maybe you’re childish and pointless.

Anyway, there’s the Mario Golf: Super Rush review every other publication in the world is too cowardly to give you. Do with this information what you will.

(P.S. Mario Golf: Super Rush is out on the 25th June and if you like the words “Mario” and “Golf” together you’ll probably dig it).