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This article was published on March 9, 2018

Pharma bro Martin Shkreli is going to prison

Pharma bro Martin Shkreli is going to prison
Rachel Kaser
Story by

Rachel Kaser

Internet Culture Writer

Rachel is a writer and former game critic from Central Texas. She enjoys gaming, writing mystery stories, streaming on Twitch, and horseback Rachel is a writer and former game critic from Central Texas. She enjoys gaming, writing mystery stories, streaming on Twitch, and horseback riding. Check her Twitter for curmudgeonly criticisms.

Martin Shkreli was today sentenced to seven years in prison by a federal judge, meaning we’ve hopefully seen the last of his puckered piehole for a while.

Shkreli became internet Public Enemy No. 1 when he jacked up the price of lifesaving HIV medication Daraprim from $13 to $750 overnight. Literal schoolchildren were recreating the drug and calling him out for his avarice. People paid thousands for the chance to punch him in the face.

But, like Al Capone before him, this douche was not felled by the dastardly deeds everyone hates him before. Instead, Shkreli was convicted last August for securities fraud and conspiracy to commit securities fraud.

According to VICE reporter Allie Conti, Shkreli wept at the hearing and blamed himself for his actions, saying “There’s no conspiracy to take down Martin Shkreli. I took down Martin Shkreli with my disgraceful actions.” Contrition is good, but so is not referring to yourself in the third person, Martin.

Reportedly, the judge mentioned journalist Lauren Duca by name. Shkreli’s unrelenting and public harassment of Duca got him kicked off of Twitter in 2016, so I’d hazard a guess the judge brought it up as an example of Shkreli’s mental faculties. Whatever — if it got Shkreli where I don’t have to look at him anymore, I’ll send Duca a fruit basket.

Now if only we can finally get our hands on that unreleased Wu Tang Clan album, we’ll feel at peace with the whole debacle.

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