Not a vibrator or a tea machine? Then your bedroom tech sucks

I don’t want a smart mattress. I’m happy with my dumb mattress. At most, I’d like a more comfortable mattress. I don’t want a lamp that can remember what I was reading beneath its bulb. I don’t need to quantify my sleep. I need to get more of it.

It’s bad enough that I’ve allowed my phone and iPad to encroach on the bedroom. Even worse, that on occasion, my laptop will be lugged in there too. The bedroom doesn’t need more technology – it needs less.

Why am I harping on this seemingly obscure topic? Because the internet of things (IoT) is being remorselessly pushed upon our private spaces. Barely a day goes by without a PR trying to pitch me a new smart bed product.

Take the Balluga – which allows you to control the mattress’ suspension system and constantly monitors your motion to adjust to your tastes – or the Luna – a smart mattress cover that offers analytics and temperature control. Why? Just because the technology makes it possible.

• The Teasmade
• The mechanical alarm clock
• The vibrator

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exQE-cTtd_A

Beyond those and the bedroom’s role as the home of intimacy and rest is ruined. I don’t need to have a source of data on my sex life. The only active feedback I need comes from talking to a partner.

The desire to graph your sex life is a disturbed one. Men are already too obsessed with their size and the duration of the act. Sex shouldn’t be something you think about as ‘hackable’, a series of actions that can be standardised. If you’re pulling moves, you’re doing it wrong.

Similarly, your own body gives you plenty of feedback to work with when it comes to whether you’re having enough good quality sleep.

Smart mattresses mean bringing batteries and wires into your bedroom. Ever-present wearables mean never truly being naked.

And realistically, do you want a corpus of data about your sex life that might one day be hacked and misused? Our meta-data is powerful. Why store the data equivalent of dick pics just to see if you’ve beaten your personal best?

So there you have it, PR people. If you haven’t reinvented the vibrator or created the greatest tea making gadget of all time, I’m probably not interested.

Read next: How technology is changing the way we have sex 

Feature image credit: Luna