I recently wrote about the Devialet Gold Phantom, a $2,890, insanely loud bluetooth speaker. When I was sent the device, I was also given a link to a playlist filled with songs to test it with. This, I’m sorry to report, was a terrible mistake. I mean, how could I not review the song selection?
They say that writing about music is akin to dancing about architecture, but that’s dumb. You ever played charades? If I put my arms straight above my head and wobble a bit, I can quite clearly illustrate how a skyscraper moves in heavy winds.
Before I get my mitts all grubby, here’s the playlist in question:
And – just in case they decide to change the tracks – here’s a list of them in order:
Let’s get into this.
“Partition,” by Beyonce
Wow, a track by the biggest pop star from the world’s biggest pop album. Bold start.
“Another One Bites The Dust,” by Queen
Queen were great, but this track? Really? Reeaaally? They may as well have gone with “We Are The Champions.”
“A New Error,” by Moderat
You hear that? It’s the sound of bros sliding their tank tops off.
“Hip Hop First Of All,” by Guts
The sort of music that people who hate rap will say, “but this is alright, mind” about.
“I Follow Rivers (The Magician Remix),” by Lykke Li
A true masterclass in remixing a song into a piece of faux-club trash.
“Wonder Where We Land (feat. Sampha),” by SBTRKT
A sex jam for serial masturbators.
“One Of These Nights,” by The Eagles
“Baldamore (live version),” by Hadouk Trio
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the worst way to hear a song is listening to a recorded live version of it.
“Breathe (In The Air),” by Pink Floyd
Watch how quickly dads will rush to tell you that Dark Side Of The Moon spent 17 years in the Billboard 200 and how they don’t make music like this anymore.
“Piece Of Paper,” by Amon Tobin
Men with un-ironic goatees want to send you this popular song to show how left-field their music taste is.
“Hotel California (live version),” by The Eagles
See my previous comments on both The Eagles and live versions of songs.
“Photograph,” by Ed Sheeran
Drivel of the highest order. I refuse to even link this.
“Pluck (Interlude),” by Marcus Miller
“You And Your Friend,” by Dire Straits
This is what drying paint listens to when it needs to fall asleep.
“Swimming Pools (Drank),” by Kendrick Lamar
The rap artist it’s okay for academics to like.
“Come Together,” by The Beatles
Putting The Beatles on a playlist is the equivalent of having a Bob Marley poster at university. Lamestream.
“Smooth Criminal,” by Michael Jackson
Can’t believe times got so hard that Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm.
“Never Be Like You (feat. Kai),” by Flume
The song version of when a drunk chooses a tattoo off a sheet of paper in the studio.
“Feel Good Inc,” by Gorillaz
AKA the bass guitar’s “Stairway To Heaven.”
“Jamming,” by Bob Marley & The Wailers
The punchline to your Uncle’s favorite joke.
“Get Up Stand Up,” by Bob Marley & The Wailers
Two Bob Marley tracks? One after another? Shocking curation.
“Get Lucky (feat. Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers),” by Daft Punk
If you look up “overplayed” in the dictionary, this track begins and never, ever stops.
“Fever,” by Ray Charles & Natalie Cole
Whoever chooses the music they play in Starbucks fucking loves this.
“My Girl,” by The Temptations
Making a vaguely sexist bro-comedy? Need some music to play when the one-dimensional female love interest shows up and walks in slow motion down the street? We got you.
And that, my friends, is how you dance about architecture.