“How hot?” I hear you say.
It’s so hot that Satan packed his devilish suitcase full of demonic swimming gear and hopped on up to Earth for a bit of sun. It’s so hot that the Carolina Reaper chilli pepper thinks this weather is a bit much. It is so hot, my friend, that the entire world is a 1995 Robert De Niro movie.
But don’t worry your handsome skull, lovely. Come hither and sit yourself on the damp swamp of my knee, so I can tell you a tale of some things you can buy that might solve your sweats. Gadget guide style.
THOU MUST PLACETH AN ICE CUBE IN YOUR TALK HOLE
Look, sometimes you don’t need any kinda fancy tech to cool yourself down. Just place a frozen cuboid of H20 in your food ditch and feel that sweet, sweet icicle-influenced relief dribble all over you.
“But wait,” you say, face cherry tomato red from the relentless assault of sauna-style heat cascading from the sun, “where am I gonna get this magical ice cube from?”
“Shhh,” I say, running my hand down your cheek and then flinging the salty water from my fingers to the floor, “I got you.”
To lowkey cool down, get yourself an old fashioned ice tray. And, before you know it you’ll be swallowing ice cubes like an arctic python.
That not your hype? You feeling like some kinda fancy lord from back in the day? Like some kinda Englishman, huh? In a big old castle? Surrounded by butlers bending their knees and referring to you as a “m’lord,” or “m’lady?” That how you feel? Is it?
“Well,” I say, leaning in, lowering my voice and putting my lips tantizingly close to your earlobe, “I got you.”
You need to get yourself AN ICE MAKING MACHINE. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Do people expect you have to make your own ice? Nah.
This one from hOmeLabs will have ice ready to melt between your baking red cheeks within six minutes. Hell, it’ll give you 11.8kg of the stuff in 24 hours.
If you want something fancier, how about the Opal Nugget Ice Maker? I heard* that Snoop Dogg has one of these nugget makers. Remember Tom Hanks’ stellar performance in the movie Castaway? Completely fuelled by nuggets of ice. The signing of the Declaration Of Independence? Those fellas had their mouths brimming to bursting point with ice nuggets in order to calm down the raging freedom fire spilling out onto the parchment. Ice nuggets forever.
(*DISCLAIMER: all this is a lie)
So, you’ve now got a lot of ice. Almost too much. Frozen water is bulging out of your mouth like a Winter hamster, your pockets are more full of ice than a jewellery store robber – how can you stop it melting?
You need a bucket. A cooling bucket. A Coleman 28-Quart cooler with a bail handle. Blue. The color of relaxation, which is what you’ll be feeling when you’re so full of ice the government flies you to either ends of the earth in order to replenish the ice caps.
NOW YOU’VE GOT ALL THESE ICE CUBES DON’T STOP WITH SLIPPING THEM IN YOUR MOUTH
You’ve got a full body you can play with and this is a gadget guide that recognizes that. Hold the cubes in your hands. Cradle them behind your knees. Stick them between each of your toes. Or, you know, buy yourself a Neosport wetsuit, slip it on, and then fill it to the brim with ice cubes and have a tingly time.
PUT YOUR SOFT FACE NEXT TO SOME COOL AIR
Jamming ice cubes in your mouth a bit proletariat for your refined tastes? A wetsuit swimming with frozen water shapes scream “trash” to you? Can’t say I agree, but each to their own.
Well, how about we get more conventional and talk about cool air. Specifically, how to get it.
1) WAVE SOME PAPER AT YOUR FACE. Or maybe a book. How about this book I found called “Great Maps: The World’s Masterpieces Explored and Explained?” What could be more refreshing than using depictions of the earth to cure you from the heat this very earth is currently subjecting you to?
2) What? That’s not enough. Fine, how about you get yourself an old-school, paper fan, then? Actually, why stop at one? Get yourself a sweet 48 pack of white fans for the low, low price of $26.59. It’s like the old saying goes: the only thing better than one fan are 48 of them.
3) Listen, I know. I get it. I’m also above using my limbs to cool down my already over warm appendages – let alone creating a gadget guide that condones it – that is the way of beasts of burden, not a metropolitan human meat sack. This is why you need to make use of the 2nd best* invention ever: ELECTRICITY.
(*The best invention of all time is the British chain of pubs known as Wetherspoons).
But, what fan to choose? Our first port of call is a pocket-sized number you can whip out on the train and charge people 50 cents per 30 seconds to have glacial air wash over their clammy frames. For that, you could grab this VersionTECH device.
Or maybe you want one of those old school ones with a proper blade, because, just like you, blades are badass. Then the Honeywell HT-900 TurboForce (TURBOOOOFOOOORCE) is the answer to your deep, blade-related desires.
Hold on though – you want some oscillation with your fan too? You should’ve said. Grab yourself the Lil’ Blizzard then. Place it on your lap and let its wheezy breath lick your fleshy sweat mounds in the manner it was made to do.
There’s one step further – or higher, I guess – we can go with the fan game though. It’s called… the tower fan. Much like how towers are powerful things in Lord Of The Rings, the tower fan is the ultimate in modern consumer fan-cooling technology. Slip a Honeywell QuietSet fan down your trousers and bask in the glory that only those who live this life can experience.
4) Sometimes though, you need a bit more than a fan. They just blow the air around. What you need is something that changes the air, imbues it with mystical qualities, some might say… conditions it. The Rosky personal air conditioner can do this on a small scale, but we’re gonna need something bigger. Much bigger.
Like… the Pioneer wall-mounted air conditioner, say? Not only that, this filthy little box is DUCTLESS. In other news, don’t ask me what that actually means, I just thought it sounded cool.
“That’s too big,” you say. “I’m not going to be able to install that in my flat.”
Firstly, I believe you can. I do. You can do anything. But, if you don’t want to try and install it, check out the Frigidaire air conditioner. Not only does its name sound refreshing, but it probably works too.
QUICK FIRE LIST OF OTHER STUFF TO KEEP YOU COOL
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, YOU’RE HOT, LET’S THROW SOME METAPHORICAL SHIT AT THE WALL.
- A COLD WASHCLOTH ON YOUR FACE TO DRENCH THE HEAT AWAY
- A PORTABLE MIST SPRAY FAN THING TO COAT THYSELF IN COOLING DROPLETS
- A THERMOS YOU CAN FILL WITH FREEZING COLD WATER TO QUENCH YOUR INSATIABLE THIRST
- A CHEAP UMBRELLA WITH WHICH TO SHELTER YOURSELF FROM THE BLAZING SUN
- A VEST THAT WILL HELP LOWER YOUR BODY’S RAGING TEMPERATURE
This heat is no one’s friend. It is too much. It is a beast that needs defeating. Luckily though, we’ve now just provided you with the thick, creamy yoghurt with which to dispel this crazy weather spice and send it back to hell.
Stay tuned for our next gadget guide about how much the cold weather sucks.
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