It’s Elon Musk’s 50th birthday! Here’s what to get him

Friends, lovers, and enemies, today is a special day: Elon Musk is turning 50. Yes, everyone’s favorite insanely rich manchild is now half a century old. Clap. I SAID CLAP.

To put this into some context, Musk is now double the average life expectancy of a man in 18th century Prussia. And, lord, he’s used that time well, hasn’t he? I mean, have you checked out his Twitter? Inspirational stuff for a grown ass man of 50.

But we’re moving away from the point. What can you possibly get Elon Musk for his 50th birthday? The man is so wealthy that he could afford absolutely anything he needs.

Well, thankfully for you, we have some ideas on how you can celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday properly.

Join a cool club!

How Startup Amsterdam Boosts Innovation and Growth at TNW Conference

Discover how the City of Amsterdam partnered with TNW to amplify its startup ecosystem, attract global talent, and foster innovation that drives economic impact.

Read the case study

Remember when Tesla illegally fired an employee involved with a union? And Elon Musk broke US labor laws with a tweet about it?

Really though, you can’t spell “illegal” without “legal” — so I’m team Musk here.

When you think about it, shouldn’t billionaires be able to crush workers underneath their feet? They’re worth much more money than them — and that’s the only way I understand value.

Maybe to try and get on Elon Musk’s level (so we can all hang out), the best thing to do would be to join a cool club? One where people come together?

Yeah, I think that all of us coming together in an organized way is exactly what we should do for Elon Musk’s 50th birthday. It’s what he wants. I know it.

Send a tweet to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday!

Ahh, the heady days of 2018. The world was a simpler place and Elon Musk tried to barge in on an operation to rescue a Thai soccer team stuck in an underwater cave — despite having zero experience with any of those things.

He came up with this submarine:

elon musk's 50th birthday submarine thai cave — The child is supposed to go inside.

Despite the machine being impractical and useless, Musk — like the big man we know he is — threw a tantrum. Sorry, that was mean. He had a completely balanced reaction because how dare they.

Not only did our guy make a situation where children were in mortal danger all about him, Musk also found time in his busy schedule to call the head rescuer (Vernon Unsworth) a “pedo guy” and “child rapist.”

A court case followed and, thankfully, Musk won.

Turns out that having enough money to pay a harem of lawyers means you can call someone a pedophille and they can argue that you didn’t really mean it. And that leads to LAW VICTORY.

So to celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday and his legal victory, why don’t we emulate him? There’s no way he’d be annoyed with people calling him a “pedo guy” on Twitter, right? Just as long as folks don’t really mean it and say sorry.

Make a donation!

Wow, 2020 was strange. Remember when people started talking about COVID like it was actually going to be a bad thing? Thankfully, our hero had the cajones to call this out for. nonsense it most definitely was.

The coronavirus panic is dumb

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 6, 2020

And, even more impressively, he managed to predict exactly what was going happen in America in 2020:

Based on current trends, probably close to zero new cases in US too by end of April

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 19, 2020

That’s one of the things I love about Musk: he really does know everything about everything and is never wrong. Disinformation? He’s never even heard of it.

In order to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday, why don’t you donate some money to people spreading the REAL truth about the coronavirus? I think they’re called WHO, or something.

I assume that’s short for WHO EVEN BELIEVES IN VIRUSES?!?!?

Celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday by sacrificing yourself in his honor!

Look, Elon Musk was worth about around $182 billion in March. While the median worth of an American family is about $121,700. That means he has about 1.5 million times more money than the average American family.

But does this mean Elon Musk is 1.5 million times better and more important than an American family? Yes. Yes it does.

Elon Musk earned all this money because he works 1.5 million times harder than most American families. If anyone tells you otherwise, they’re a commie bastard and you should report them to your nearest McCarthy center.

In order to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday properly, I suggest we give ourselves up in subservience to him.

Send Musk all our money. Organs? He can have them. Praise be our God King. May he reign forever and his billionaire class never know what a guillotine is.

Story by Callum Booth

Callum Booth is a freelance journalist with over a decade of experience. Previously, he was the Managing Editor of TNW, where his reporting (show all) Callum Booth is a freelance journalist with over a decade of experience. Previously, he was the Managing Editor of TNW, where his reporting was cited widely, including in VICE, the FT, and the BBC. Callum’s writing has appeared in The Verge, The Daily Telegraph, Time Out, and many more. He covers the full spectrum of technology, with a particular focus on how it shapes our daily lives. And a lot of regulation stuff too. Outside of work, Callum’s an avid bookworm, a Fisherman’s Friends addict, and resolutely unshaven. Follow him on Twitter @CallumBooth or visit www.callumbooth.net.