Friends, lovers, and enemies, today is a special day: Elon Musk is turning 50. Yes, everyone’s favorite insanely rich manchild is now half a century old. Clap. I SAID CLAP.
To put this into some context, Musk is now double the average life expectancy of a man in 18th century Prussia. And, lord, he’s used that time well, hasn’t he? I mean, have you checked out his Twitter? Inspirational stuff for a grown ass man of 50.
But we’re moving away from the point. What can you possibly get Elon Musk for his 50th birthday? The man is so wealthy that he could afford absolutely anything he needs.
Well, thankfully for you, we have some ideas on how you can celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday properly.
Join a cool club!
Really though, you can’t spell “illegal” without “legal” — so I’m team Musk here.
When you think about it, shouldn’t billionaires be able to crush workers underneath their feet? They’re worth much more money than them — and that’s the only way I understand value.
Yeah, I think that all of us coming together in an organized way is exactly what we should do for Elon Musk’s 50th birthday. It’s what he wants. I know it.
Send a tweet to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday!
Ahh, the heady days of 2018. The world was a simpler place and Elon Musk tried to barge in on an operation to rescue a Thai soccer team stuck in an underwater cave — despite having zero experience with any of those things.
He came up with this submarine:
Despite the machine being impractical and useless, Musk — like the big man we know he is — threw a tantrum. Sorry, that was mean. He had a completely balanced reaction because how dare they.
Not only did our guy make a situation where children were in mortal danger all about him, Musk also found time in his busy schedule to call the head rescuer (Vernon Unsworth) a “pedo guy” and “child rapist.”
A court case followed and, thankfully, Musk won.
Turns out that having enough money to pay a harem of lawyers means you can call someone a pedophille and they can argue that you didn’t really mean it. And that leads to LAW VICTORY.
So to celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday and his legal victory, why don’t we emulate him? There’s no way he’d be annoyed with people calling him a “pedo guy” on Twitter, right? Just as long as folks don’t really mean it and say sorry.
Make a donation!
Wow, 2020 was strange. Remember when people started talking about COVID like it was actually going to be a bad thing? Thankfully, our hero had the cajones to call this out for. nonsense it most definitely was.
The coronavirus panic is dumb
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 6, 2020
And, even more impressively, he managed to predict exactly what was going happen in America in 2020:
Based on current trends, probably close to zero new cases in US too by end of April
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 19, 2020
That’s one of the things I love about Musk: he really does know everything about everything and is never wrong. Disinformation? He’s never even heard of it.
In order to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday, why don’t you donate some money to people spreading the REAL truth about the coronavirus? I think they’re called WHO, or something.
I assume that’s short for WHO EVEN BELIEVES IN VIRUSES?!?!?
Celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday by sacrificing yourself in his honor!
Look, Elon Musk was worth about around $182 billion in March. While the median worth of an American family is about $121,700. That means he has about 1.5 million times more money than the average American family.
But does this mean Elon Musk is 1.5 million times better and more important than an American family? Yes. Yes it does.
Elon Musk earned all this money because he works 1.5 million times harder than most American families. If anyone tells you otherwise, they’re a commie bastard and you should report them to your nearest McCarthy center.
In order to properly celebrate Elon Musk’s 50th birthday properly, I suggest we give ourselves up in subservience to him.
Send Musk all our money. Organs? He can have them. Praise be our God King. May he reign forever and his billionaire class never know what a guillotine is.