Please, won’t someone let me buy a kettlebell?

Yeah, I had a gym membership. I’ve listened to a fair few Joe Rogan podcasts. I exercise. So, with the coronavirus lockdown in full effect, there was something I knew I had to do: Buy a kettlebell.

If you aren’t aware of kettlebells (come on, haven’t you ever listened to a Pavel Tsatsouline interview?) they’re probably almost exactly what you think they are: Cast iron weights with a handle on top.

They look like this:

Why did I want to buy a kettlebell? Well, ignoring the online brainwashing, it’s mainly because a kettlebell is fantastic combination of strength and cardio work. Plus you can do the majority of exercises with a single weight, making it super convenient — especially if you’re kinda lazy and live in an apartment.

But, alas. Alas.

Last night I spent over an hour trying to buy a kettlebell online and everywhere I tried, the goddamn things were sold out. I was crushed. Not only am I a cliché, I’m a cliché that’s behind the curve.

Pathetic, really.

Was I upset because I can’t lift kettlebells and post about my routine and new-found carnivore diet on obscure fitness subreddits? Of course. But more than anything, I thought about just how many kettlebells people have to buy online before they sell out.

And it’s not just kettlebells that have sold out. Fitness equipment and weights of all varieties have been going out of stock as people try and get in shape during the quarantine. And fuck me, I feel sorry for all the logistics people shifting all this weight and having to deliver the damn things.

Basically, what I’m saying is we must increase the minimum wage.

There are people worldwide only now realizing how essential this army of people are. Whether it’s nurses, cleaners, or delivery people — anyone across the first-response, care, manufacturing, logistics, and food sectors — these individuals have been exploited and down-trodden so corporations and executives can make a bit of extra cash.

Fuck that.

Zero-hour contracts should be a thing of the past, job security and being able to support a family on the minimum wage must be the new normal. These people are vital, and the one positive of the pandemic is the public’s finally realizing this.

Do I still want to buy a kettlebell and get Joe Rogan-jacked during lockdown? Damn fucking straight. But I’d also like the person delivering it to be safe, well-paid, and — if they get sick — protected.