There’s no excitement in gift-giving anymore, don’t you think?

Mother’s Day came and went this year with nothing out of the ordinary to report. People gave their moms 2-for-1 chocolate, food poisoning disguised as “brunch,” and shitty kids’ art… the usual.

Next year, we need to do better for the women who lovingly purged us from their loins. They deserve the ultimate gift – the gift of reassurance they are still attractive even though their uteruses are dusty and used.

Before tossing your mom out in the bin, a new platform has emerged that promises to redeem her value. That platform is the “MILF Meter” — the latest in terrible porn company PR stunts.

What is the MILF Meter?

The “MILF Meter” is a new platform created by sex cam platform CamSoda, which uses AI to determine whether female users are MILFs or not.

“MILF,” for ignorant uncultured swine, means for “Mother I’d Like to Fuck”. M… I… L… F… clever, no? The term is not at all derogatory or patronizing, and anyone who calls a woman that genuinely is definitely not a douchebag.

Anyway, back to those dusty uteruses.

In a press release, Daryn Parker, VP, CamSoda explained why we as a society need the MILF Meter:

Mothers have always wanted a definitive answer to the age-old question, ‘Are you a MILF?’ Truth is, while many might aspire to be a MILF, they aren’t really sure whether or not they actually qualify as one. Camsoda’s MILF Meter will provide users with a definitive MILF-identifying platform that will inform mom’s once and for all. So this Mother’s Day, instead of buying your wife/girlfriend/mom flowers or chocolate, let her know she has still got it and confirm she is indeed a MILF!

(Yes, this is a real quote.)

The MILF Meter uses artificial intelligence to analyze photos for “distinguishable physical features including waist to hip ratio, breast size, and facial symmetry, among others.” It operates off of “global beauty standards” (ew) and “it’s legit and actually works.”

Don’t worry mom, AI wants to fuck your symmetrical nose. ❤

You can use this mildly incestuous platform on desktop, laptop, tablets, and even mobile devices — letting you MILF-check people on the go!

Dads and grandmas, are you sad you don’t have a platform to make you feel secure? Camsoda promises to roll out DILF and GILF alternatives in the coming months. Thank GOD.

We tried the MILF Meter

Obviously, when we heard about this MILF Meter, we all had to try it. We are a ridiculously hot team, and perfect for putting this algorithm to the test. For science.

First up, Mix:

Huh? This is. fishy… how could the MILF Meter not pick up on that bone structure? The way that bald head slopes gracefully into a beautifully bushy beard? Weird.

Next up, myself:

Wow. Finally verified at something. At the fresh age of 24, I’m attractive for a woman in her early 40s. Can’t wait to tell my… mom?

The rest of our team followed:

Not a MILF among them. Yes, they’re all older than me, and, yes, the MILF Meter thinks I’m twice their age, but don’t worry guys — one day you’ll be old enough to share “MILF” status with me. One day.

The takeaway

This is a powerful tool, and should not be used lightly. I’d recommend it only for the most crucial moments of douche-baggery and asshole sexism.

Should you give the gift of maybe-MILF to your mother? Idk… there are probably better gifts than letting your mom know her self-worth is based on globalized beauty standards (again, ew), AI, or bad porn PR stunts. Maybe just send your mom flowers or something instead?

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