When Ms. Bronnie Ware, a woman who worked for years with the dying, wrote a list of the top 5 regrets people say aloud on their deathbed, we teared up a little bit here at TNW.
She posted the top 5 regrets along with her commentary on her website, and we’ve recopied them for you here below. But instead of just the grandmotherly bits of advice about dreams having gone unfulfilled, we’ve supplemented each regret with some rockstar advice on how to not have these regrets in the digital age.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
TNW Advice: We interview so many entrepreneurs here at The Next Web, some of whom will succeed, most of whom will fail. But it’s about going out and creating a reality out of what was once just an idea in your head. Today, due to the Internet’s accessibility, smart people are discovering that instead of getting the next big paying cog-in-a-machine job that they are able to start their own company and they’re receiving a lot of satisfaction from doing so.
“Yesterday, I had an epiphany that for the first time in my life, who I am and who I want to be are virtually one in the same. It’s so much more effective to be yourself than to pretend to be something your not because doing the latter is so emotionally taxing, you’ll never be someone that is fully committed. Being yourself pays dividends.”
-Brett Martin, the CEO and Founder of Sonar, a hot new social, location-based mobile application.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
TNW Advice: We are really hard workers here at The Next Web, in fact, I am pretty sure that @Zee hasn’t slept in the past 36 hours. But being a Dutch-based company, our roots are in relaxation. We know how to unwind after hard days.

If you need some literary inspiration, read up on How To Disconnect, A Primer and The value in jumping off the social media train.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
TNW Advice: Expressing your feelings to loved ones and blogging or tweeting your thoughts are two different things. People often use Twitter as a soap box to express their anger or resentment over things they can not control. We’d like to take this time to remind you that as much as we love living in the virtual world, sometimes a hug, a long chat over a glass of wine or a phone call to a loved one far away is more valuable than any social media valuation, no matter how ludicrous.
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I think 3 and 5 are what I’ll be plagued with.
Life is our gift from the Lord. How we live it is our gift back to Him. Give generously.
Must do a tad more research before posting a story:
Her name is actually ‘Bronnie’ Ware.
I’m not sure this ever appeared in The Observer – I can’t find any reference to it if it did.
She was never a nurse, she just worked at one of her jobs with deathbed patients.
This is her web site and a link to the original post:
http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Ciao, T’chau, Chow,
Chris.
And Dutch have a saying “In het zweet des aanschijns zult bij uw brood verdienen” – Biblical because we are a protestant bunch.
In the religion of shit (http://piccsy.com/2011/05/i-love-this-shit/) we are “Thou shalt earn thy shit” – so please don’t say we know how to relax just because the people around you do.
We know jack s**t about relaxation. Go to southern European cultures and find the 10 differences….
@Chris Gee Sadly the link doesn’t work. I was hoping to read more of the exciting things in lives.
While I greatly enjoyed, and shared, this article, I have to take VERY great exception to the last paragraph, in which two of your examples of “happiness” are defined by the possession of transient material goods. While our Western culture has degraded to the point that it really is no longer possible to exist without money, suggesting that owning the latest electronic gizmo will make you happy seems very shallow, cynical, and crass to me. Had I the funds to work with, I’d be FAR happier giving that $150 or $200 or $400 to someone who really needs it, and reward myself by spending time in that person’s company and quite probably getting to know and understand more about a person and a way of life than I otherwise would have.
To me, transient and temporary though the actual experience may be, that’s worth a hell of a lot more than a Kindle or an iPad.
Good work! This is exactly what I needed. Your post is an excellent example of an essay topic. Thanks for this.
<a href=http://www.mcginleymedia.com”>iphone application design</a>
Courtney,
It’s always amazing to me when I read a list like that. So many regrets have nothing to do with the goals we set for ourselves. We usually work too hard, and then in the end we regret it.
It really is all about being true to who we are and having balance in our lives.
Thanks for posting this. Never hurts to have a reminder.
Connie
Yes, I’m sure a lot of people die wishing they’d indulged in that ipad.
@John Henry I think you missed the point. That last sentence sums up with: whatever it is, be good to yourself. So, maybe not an iPad 2 but a donation to the animal welfare shelter; maybe not a Kindle for yourself but a day donated to a soup kitchen. You shouldn’t be surprised by TNW’s examples; you should be inspired, tho, to look inside yourself for YOUR definition of happiness. And I DO hope you find it soon and often!
there’s still time.
I am not sure if Happiness is external
@Marie-Charlotte Pezé it’s not about the iPad per se, but about being good to yourself.
@Chris Gee thank u!
How about #1) OMG, I going out while leaving hundreds of thousands of bucks in my 401K!?!?!?
i was loving this until i got to where you said if you’re reading this you’re probably a long way from dying. more of the arrogance of youth who too often think they are the only ones seeing X, doing Z. I’m 70 and based on family history am not that far off from dying. Open your minds and hearts and stop stereotyping. Get to know people older and younger than you.
@Joan McKniff don’t be so bitter. i said “chances are”….not probably. calm your nerves and pick your battles.
@pupdog yeah, definitely don’t let that happen.
@Sasisekar Krish i think it’s a balance of both.
@Eric Woning getting on the plane now…
@Jeremy Meyers plenty!!
@Courtney Boyd Myers
wow! didn’t know a reaction was a battle. didn’t know such a huge difference between “chances are” and “probably” still don’t. i’m very, very calm and not at all bitter. where are you getting those vibes?
@Joan McKniff I couldn’t agree more Joan. I’m in my mid 30s and some of my most rewarding friendships are with people aged between 25 and 75. I’ve learned huge amounts about life and respect having friends from different generations (also from a diverse range of cultures).
Courtney if you want to be a journalist you have to learn how to be more civil and politically correct. That wasn’t a nice reaction to someone expressing their opinion.
@Joan McKniff apologies all around.
@Joan McKniff for the record, i got the vibes when you referred to the arrogance of youth. i don’t think anything about my post was arrogant.
@binky thanks binky.
@Joan McKniff I couldn’t agree more Joan. I’m in my mid 30s and some of my most rewarding friendships are with people aged between 25 and 80. I’ve learned huge amounts about life respect, and vast differences in life views having friends from different generations (also from a diverse range of cultures). And for the record, none of my more senior friends have shed their mortal coils, though I’ve lost 2 close friends who were in their early 30s.
Good article
it is relative
“If you’re reading this, chances are you have a long way to go before you die.” – Great article, but that line couldn’t be further from the truth for many out there. My husband died at the age of 44 – totally unexpectedly. I know how precious life is, at any age! But I think this article offers great advice for all of us.
http://www.damienkam.blogspot.com
I’m troubled with the way #2 is worded. I think that one’s really: “I wish I hadn’t let the values of my employers or profession or status-conscious peers set the terms of my life.” That is really a combination of items he #1 and #3. In fact, it is a prime example of a usurped term that people casually use “working hard” when they are talking about “putting in face time” or “having the kind of job that pays enough money to buy a new car every 5 years instead of every 10″ or “rising up the career ladder even when the lower level job suited my personality better.”
two chicks, same time
——- http://www.fashionclothe.com ——– if you like to order anything you like. More details, please just browse our website Quality is our Dignity; Service is our Lift. enjoy yourself. thank you!! ——- http://www.fashionclothe.com —–
mncmfg
wait. where are 4 and 5?
@reginafromrio page two, yo.
I think it goes both ways @binky . it’s pretty easy to blast from behind a screen about “arrogance” and “stereotyping.”
there’s no rule that says people who write on the internet must take it but may never dish it out.
Ah yes. It’s the little things . . .
——- http://www.fashionclothe.com ——– if you like to order anything you like. More details, please just browse our website Quality is our Dignity; Service is our Lift. enjoy yourself. thank you!! ——- http://www.fashionclothe.com —–
,ghk
The 5 regrets became only 3, maybe because the auther realized that the first three had the same origin already and it was not worth mentioning more. We all like to fully express ourselves, but somehow language or whatever form of expression it is never fully satisfies. How often have you expressed yourself fully and have not later thought maybe I should have added this or said that a bit different. Anyway, there is never enough time to do everything right. Just hope it feels right when its time for me.
I guess I had to click to page 2. I didn’t know there was a page 2.
Follow one or more of the above, listen to the proverbial different drummer, and be prepared for a human horde to have grave doubts about you, expect the worst, even publicly accuse you of the gravest misdeeds up to and including horrid felonies.
Don’t believe me?
Live the advice and observe the outcome.
@Joan McKniff Is an angry old bro.
@Paul Acciavatti @binky
no screen, my real name, no blast – just my opinion. and not that easy to say” I’m 70, close to death”
@Joel deCourcyBrowne@joan
thanks
@Paul Acciavatti @binky
thinking more about the screen and ways to be sure not behind one. just thought of one way. a young videographer asked if she could interview me for a Peace Corp contest. You can see it, me, my cat by going to http://www.youtube.com and type in Joan McKniff…..and thinking about it, has a lot to do w things I’m glad I did before I die.
@Joan McKniff Amazing! #teamjoan
@Andrew Jordan Stivers
cat was rescued in Madagascar and did that walk on part all his own! Thanks.
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.
@Andrew Jordan Stivers
It’s not a laptop, for one thing. For a second, attending college in the 21st century sort of requires a computer.
Additionally:
I own no furniture other than a bed, a desk, and a chair. Oh, and a second chair that I took from a dumpster so there’s a place for my rare company to sit down besides the floor.
My entire food supply at this moment is a 5-pound bag of frozen chicken leq quarters and a package of tortillas.
The very used vehicle I have been driving since my mom died of sudden, explosive cancer on Christmas Eve 2009 (this is readily verified in public records) has now stopped running.
The last time I bought a new pair of jeans, George W. Bush was in his first term of office.
I have no help available from family.
At 40 years old, I’m overqualified for minimum-wage jobs, and under-qualified for real jobs since I have no degree (this is why I’ve gone back to college, pursuing a doctorate in communication with a political science minor), and under any circumstances once school starts in September I’ll be concentrating on that full time, assuming that I can manage to find a way to pay my rent between now and then – I’m already late this month, and am 10 days away from eviction.
I currently have no regular income, and exist entirely on donations given through my website (if you’d care to contribute, you can find that site at http://www.lowgenius.net).
In spite of that, I continue to focus my efforts on improving the world around me, including making charitable donations whenever I can…to me, that means if I can get by for a few days on peanut butter and crackers so I can send $25 to buy a couple of chickens for a family in the third world, rather than having coffee, meat, or vegetables for my own diet, I do so.
Also in spite of that, the love and respect of my friends and the knowledge that I have lived life on my own terms makes me, in spite of not having much in the way of hope or material wealth, the richest man I know.
If you would like, I will take photos of my apartment to prove all of this.
Did you have any other questions?
Sorry – that’s a ten-pound bag of chicken. I would hate to give a dishonest accounting.
It is the philosophy of our culture that causes these regrets. Society damns you if you don’t sacrifice to it. You are called selfish if you put your own happiness first. We are told not to “take ourselves so seriously” and “It is better to give than receive” it is no wonder people have theses common regrets.
I will have no real regrets. My mother wish she had painted, danced, and played the piano more. I will do all of those things and more. She worked so hard for others but didn’t have enough good laughs along the way. I intend to be authentic to myself and those around me. Of course there is a cost to this but it is worth it. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to some people while other doors open and help you learn to be your true self. But we are placed on this earth to be true to ourselves and leave a unique footprint behind.
These are great comments! There are many life lessons that I teach my children, they’re teenagers, I’m 60. One of the best things that I have taught them is : So much as it lies within you, always do the right thing by others. If you expect people to cheer you while you do it, you’re going to be disappointed, but do it anyway. The other important axiom that I teach them is that you can sell your honor as cheaply as you want, but when you want it back, you’ll quickly discover that it’s VERY expensive.
It’s really annoying to see the author commenting about this little ditty essay amid the opinions and reactions of the readers. I agree with other comments about the wording of “working too hard”. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who wish they’d worked harder than they actually did.
Depends on what you mean by working hard. If you mean just working harder to say you worked harder, that’s kind of pointless.
Far be it from me to suggest that anyone should do anything in life that they really, really hate to do. But how much more of this “be true to yourself and don’t worry about society” crap do we think we can really take before everything falls apart? This is the ethic the baby boomers raised their kids with, and you’ll notice things are no better now than they were back in the 70s and 80s, and in some ways they are far worse. None of us is an island. We all affect one another in the day to day decisions we make. And I am not going to take your word for it that you are worth something if all you ever do is sit on your butt crowing about how wonderful and special you are but never becoming anything more than another cog in the machine.
I do not speak idly. I have spent too much of my life trying to figure out who I am. I’m left not really being much of anybody. It’s kind of like giving away your honor for cheap and then getting it back being really expensive, as another commenter here said–the same can be said for your usefulness to yourself OR to society.
Quit asking “what’s in it for me”. You’re alive, aren’t you? You are never going to know what you are worth as a person until you get up off your butt and start being there for other people.
You’ll notice the regrets in this list written about here have as much to do with the dying person interacting with others, and being there for others, as they have to do with the person being true to themselves. They have roughly equal weight.
The world is not going to become a better place to live just because you feel good about yourself. Sociopaths feel good about themselves too. Find a higher calling.
We do not need to seek the advice of a tarot card reader to know what our soul wants. This is really a very simple matter. Our Soul only wants to experience the highest form of love that there is so there is no regrets at the death bed. It is not looking for the biggest house or success in a career or to be rich or famous. Any action or thought that is not moving in that direction of that deep inner yearning is not congruent with anyone’s path.
‘Vision boards’ and most goals that people I have seen are driven from a form of insanity. Native American Indian elders saw that the Europeans that were coming to America have a form of insanity. This insanity manifested itself in the desire to have more than they needed. When a person has an excess of the basic elements of life and does not share they are considered as being insane. The Indian elders (as others advanced people in the world) hold a space for those that are insane with this desire. It is why ‘vision boards’ serve the collective shadow of the earth and not the Collective heart. There is only one other organism that has this behavior. It is the cancer cell. It consumes more than it needs and thus kills it’s host and itself.
A very good documentary of this insanity is the ‘I Am” documentary movie. Find theater to view it .It may change your life. http://www.iamthedoc.com/
@Dana Seilhan
Agree. Ironically, from my experiences, the jobs/events that I thought were going to be about me giving, Peace Corps volunteer inter alia, turned out to be the most rewarding. The mix of giving w no expectations of reward, of stretching self to do things couldn’t image you could, of living in a totally different circumstances – outdoor latrine, no fridge, in an isolated mountain village and actually doing it, having such great support from villagers as they got to know us, is an amazing gift and strength that can lead you on to even greater challenges and adventures.
@Dana Seilhan
The ethic you are talking about only took effect on a superficial level. The article is filled with examples of people who followed your ethic so if that’s the case then actually its evidence that your ethic is causing everything to fall apart. We have lived in a culture dominated by collectivism since WWII. Your ethics are in place all around you, so take a good look; it’s what you asked for.
The standard of an individual’s worth should not come from your usefulness to others, that only makes you a moral slave. Every man IS an island, and you can choose to build bridges to other islands. I build bridges to others islands for mutual benefit, not sacrifice. Most of these people are really talking about sacrifice, as they have given something up, something within themselves. I’m not saying not to seek relationships with others, or relationships aren’t needed to be happy, they absolutely are, but there is no reason one should have to sacrifice your true happiness for the sake of another.
My world became a much better place once I began to feel better about myself. I was no use to anyone anyway when I felt bad about myself so I absolutely disagree with your statement that “The world is not going to become a better place to live just because you feel good about yourself. “ We have benefited from amazing things in society that have been left by people just seeking out their own ambitions, with no concern for the need for others, save their loved ones. So don’t give me the crap about some social higher calling. Intellectuals, politicians, entertainers have been peddling the “I am my brothers keeper” tripe for long enough.
And your use of sociopath is a perfect example of how people use underhanded comments to guilt and beat down those who seek their own self interest, implying that you could be a sociopath if you hold these thoughts. It shows how you envy those that are happy with themselves, and because you can’t “find yourself” you seek to take down a peg those who have. I say that your problem is that you are looking for some “self” that you think has always existed somewhere within you, that you were born with, some preprogrammed set of values and character. But those things have to be chosen and earned.
“Life is not about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself” -Unknown
@Jerry Thornton I will not share with those that do not earn at least some form of respect from me. If that makes me insane then so be it.
I can respect that. I think you would really like the ‘I Am’ documentary as it deals with this issue very directly. Check out the trailer at http://www.iamthedoc.comLight and peace to you and your family.
Jerry
@Courtney Boyd Myers @Joan McKniff
Joan, there IS no difference between “chances are” and “probably.”
@Joan McKniff
Joan, my dad’s going strong at 89. So, don’t worry. Heck like I said below anyone could get hit by a car or something. Anytime.
@John Henry
Well, I’m impressed. Hang in there.
i find it hard to believe that, “I wish I would have told my family I love them more often or I wish I would have done more things with my children or grandchildren” is not in the top five. I believe #5 is full of crap she probably made that stuff up.
@Jon Wos
Read Walden by H.. Thoreau. He covers all of this and more.
Also read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s eulogy for his best friend Thoreau. It’s beautiful. People have been dealing with these questions for hundreds of years.
“At this time, a strong, healthy youth, fresh from college, while all his companions were choosing their profession, or eager to begin some lucrative employment, it was inevitable that his thoughts should be exercised on the same conditions, and it required rare decision to refuse all the accustomed paths, and keep his solitary freedom at the cost of disappointing the natural expectations of his family and friends: all the more difficult that he had a perfect probity, was exact in securing his own independence, and in holding every man to the like duty. But Thoreau never faltered. He was a born protestant. He declined to give up his large ambition of knowledge and action for any narrow craft or profession, aiming at a much more comprehensive calling, the art of living well. If he slighted and defied the opinions of others, it was only that he was more intent to reconcile his practice with his own belief. Never idle or self-indulgent, he preferred, when he wanted money, earning it by some piece of manual labor agreeable to him, as building a boat or a fence, planting, grafting, surveying,(8*) or other short work, to any long engagement. With his hardy habits and few wants, his skill in wood-craft, and his powerful arithmetic, he was very competent to live in any part of the world. It would cost him less time to supply his wants than another. He was therefore secure of his leisure.”
@Dana Seilhan
re: “The world is not going to become a better place to live just because you feel good about yourself.”
Actually, yeah it would be a better place if people felt good about themselves.
It doesn’t sound like you feel too good about yourself though.I think the problem with your logic is that you equate feeling good about yourself with disconnectedness and selfishness. That is a false premise.
@ja7518 With a comment like that I’m glad YOU aren’t writing articles like this.
What’s atrociously annoying with this article is that I keep receiving the million comments by email, that i tried to unsubscribe several times but it didn’t work – it only added 87 apps to my Facebook – and that I’m just about to put lifehacks and thenextweb in my spam.
Reminds me of the famous Lincoln quote “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be”. This from the most miserably depressed president ever. I hate simplistic advice like this, try to tell that to mutiliated soldiers, or adolescent victims of rape. It’s advice easy to follow when you’ve lived with a supportive and nurturing home and who never experienced horrorific events. What a stupid article.
@esr I have a genetic bone disorder that causes my bones to break easily, so much of my childhood was spent in casts. I have and do go through great hardship and I find that I need this advice more. I have experienced plenty of horrific events and what good is getting through the suffering if you don’t take full advantage of your life, for yourself. I will certainly tell that to the mutilated soldiers, or adolescent victims of rape as they are the ones that need it most. Life is not just about suffering. Life is about rising above the suffering and seeking out that supreme vision of yourself. Sorry you hold suffering to be the standard of life’s actions, but I will not. Life is for seeking joy, not just escaping pain. What a stupid comment.
@John Henry @Andrew Jordan Stivers Gimme a break. Look at how quickly the “hippie” has to show how much he doesn’t have. its pathetic. You are such a good altruist. Sacrifice is not a virtue. When will you altruists learn that you can help too much. That you are doing more harm than good by just indiscriminately giving to others what they need. I do have one more question, why not just go live in the woods, , ohh right, then you couldn’t show anyone how “moral” you are.
@ella Yes these are the kind of people I like, they minimum they keep culture moving and at max they show the rest a better way of doing thing. “The Fountainhead” also revolves around this message. Socrates is another great example of this existing way back then. People think that because it is so much easier to live in a society with men that we belong to it, and should serve it.
But if deep down inside i’m a serial killer I shuldn’t be myself, right?
I don’t think I’ll have any regrets, because I probably won’t die in a bed where I have time to think about dynig, I’ll just get shot or die in a car accident caused by someone else on the interstate, or something like that.
“What’s atrociously annoying with this article is that I keep receiving the million comments by email,”
Sorry. i know life must be hard for u
I hope I have the opportunity and presence of mind as I shuffle off this mortal coil to declare that I wish I had spent more time at the office.
My mission in life is to become a really fat nudist, so that I don’t even care any more if I have any clothes on, and no one else will either, because the rolls of fat will cover my genitals.
I wish I’d spent more time in India and South East Asia. I wish I’d learned to speak French properly. I wish I’d had a wonderful marriage. I wish I’d gotten my kid into Harvard. I wish I’d founded a race. I wish I’d sacked a city.
@Marie-Charlotte Pezé Hey Marie… i will look into this now for you. So sorry!
@stamat takes all kinds man! but no, probably not. :)
@Jon Wos That’s fine for you but you may be the exception. Victims of horrific trauma have a very hard time going onwith life even when they really try. PTSD is a real phenomenom that is only now being understood. Children who were raped are constantly told when they are adults to “get over it”. It’s not that easy. And for you to say “what a stupid comment” draws very little sympathy for your condition because of your callousness. What you experienced was genetic, not PTSD. Big difference.
@Marie-Charlotte Pezé Hi Marie, Jenna from Livefyre here, sorry for the email blast. You can change your notification settings here: http://thenextweb.com/members/fb709600241/profile/edit/group/1
We are looking into your unsubscribe issue and will have that fixed shortly. cc @Courtney Boyd Myers
@Marie-Charlotte Pezé Also, if you continue to have issues feel free to email us at support at livefyre dot com and we’ll get it sorted out. Thanks!
overrated, Ludwig van Beethoven. two keys, one lock
well @Jon Wos this article is about happiness, not keeping culture moving or building railroads. if happiness for you means being solitary, then go for it!
Thoreau was very, very involved in society after he got back from Walden. Abolitionism was hardly selfishness.
@Jon Wosif this way of living makes you happy, then good. Obviously you’re very influenced by Ayn Rand, who thought of service to others as ‘sacrifice.’ It isn’t, or at least it doesn’t have to be.
If you’ve never volunteered, or been a mentor or big brother, etc. I’d certainly recommend you try. If you have tried and did not find it fulfilling it might be interesting to inquire what it was that you didn’t like. Pretty much everyone I’ve ever interacted with agree with me and Joan McKniff that it’s a very beneficial thing to do FOR YOURSELF, let alone for society.
Feeling good about yourself is very important to self AND to society, especially if it’s a lasting kind of self-esteem and not a race for gratification after gratification that can never be fulfilled.
It’s not a “you should” thing. Volunteership should never be coerced. Service that comes from a place of guilt and obligation is pretty much worse than no service at all.
@Ob Bop I have, and as a result I have a wonderful fiancée and an array of eclectic, weird friends.
Humans – even Mongols – don’t come in “hordes.” If people don’t like the way you live, f*ck ‘em. The world is full of people. Find ones that suit you better.
@Jon Wos @John Henry Warren Buffett has done a lot more good in this world than anyone will living in an apartment with a dumpster chair and a bag of chickens.
@Joan McKniff by “screen,” I mean the computer screen. if you had met the author face-to-face, you might have been slower to accuse her of arrogance.
That said, I agree that the comment was ill thought out. “old” people have computers too… and Joan, you’re a year younger than my dear mother, so don’t be preparing to welcome the Grim Reaper anytime soon.
Hell, I may go before you. “None of us knows the time and day…”
@Andrew Jordan Stivers @Jon Wos @John Henry For Heaven’s sake… There wouldn’t be so many people who only have a bag of chickens to their name if it wasn’t for people like Buffett.
The top 1 percent of the world’s population hold 38 percent of the wealth. But if you want to claim this guy has moral worth than all the people in the world with nothing, then go ahead. I mean, you have no responsibility to keep me from being nauseated.
@dolmance @Jon Wos @John Henry
Dolmance–you can wave your hands and say things that sound “right” all you like, but donating a chicken is not equal to donating $31B to research a cure for AIDS.
@Andrew Jordan Stivers @Jon Wos @John Henry So if I rob you and your family starves to death, but I put some of the proceeds of what I stole from you to AIDS research, I’m better than you are?
I guess human psychology is wired for exploitation, from top to bottom. I wish I didn’t have this mutation that makes me see things differently. Then I’d be so happy.
@dolmance @Jon Wos @John Henry I think the mutation you actually possess is a severe lean towards hyperbole.
@Jenna Langer Thank you Jenna and Courtney! I’ve tried to unsubscribe a couple of times, but it’s obviously not working. I admit I’ve even assigned the nextweb’s emails to my junk folder, AND THAT’S NOT WORKING EITHER. There’s no getting rid of you guys!
I would really appreciate it if you could unsubscribe me from this post.
Many thanks!
Cheers :)Marie
Read “Be Happy” by Robert Holden. It’ll change your life.
If your advice is “just get out there and do what makes you happy.” make sure the person you’re giving it to isn’t a child molester.
@esr Actually you are the one who said, “stupid article” I was merely returning the comment as that in itself was a stupid comment. I do not seek sympathy, I seek respect. And no it really is not that big of a difference. Both are terrible things that happen which are out of your control. I do have some PTSD symptoms as well as I have much anxiety, socially and metaphysically. What do you you think would happen to a child that would break a leg when his mother changed his diaper, or broke a leg when he kicked it under water, or broke an arm drying his head with a towel? He would develop a type of PTSD not from one event but from many over the span of his developing life. I never said getting over it was easy but it can be done. The only key is to never give up. I may be an exception but that doesn’t make it any less true. Can you imagine how much worse society would be if we only used the common as examples.
Back in December I laid awake in my death bed for several hours thinking about all the things I regretted to do with my life. Turned out to be just a regular bed though since I didn’t die in it. But for awhile there I thought I was going to.
My doctor told me I had 24 hours to live. I had what they thought was a malignant tumor on my neck that was considered inoperable. Upon further testing however it was discovered to be a Gummy Worm. It dropped to the floor when I scratched myself.
But for a while there I thought I was going to die, and my only wish was that I had spent more time milking the cow in the barn and less time blowing through my trust fund on everything in sight.
As my mind cleared though I realized I never had a barn much less ever milked a cow in it and I’m pretty sure I never had a trust fund. The only thing I ever recall ‘milking’ at all was taxi fare from my Aunt Eunice.
@Jefferson Monkeycum Anybody can use anything for the bad. I think that true happiness can only come if you’ve achieved it without sacrificing others happiness to your own.
@Paul Acciavatti I pretty much agree. I have volunteered, taught, give talks, and absolutely see the value to me. That is not my point. My point is do things for others because of the joy it brings you, not out of some moral notion. No, helping others doesn’t have to be a sacrifice, but most people make it one, look at the article. We pretty much agree, I just don’t think service to others is the primary purpose of ones life. I do not expect others to sacrifice for me either.
@Paul Acciavatti My point is that one does not need to make others their primary motivation to help them or be happy. That just by seeking their own goals and happiness they benefit those around themselves. And railroads are in “Atlas Shrugged” not “The Fountainhead”.
If you read my posts you will clearly see that happiness for me does not mean being solitary.
Abolitionism for Thoreau may not have been selfishness to him, whether he acknowledged it or not he did good for himself by helping to get rid of it. My point is that selflessness is not necessary to achieve happiness or a better society, but rational self interest is.
@dolmance@Andrew Jordan Stivers@John Henry
“For Heaven’s sake… There wouldn’t be so many people who only have a bag of chickens to their name if it wasn’t for people like Buffett.”
Actually the opposite is true. Its people like Buffet that create more wealth to exist. 100 years ago the amount of total wealth on the planet was dramatically less than today. So the remaining 62% of total wealth for the lower 99% of people is much greater now than it was 100 years ago. Everyone benefits when the rich, the entrepreneurs, the individualists, etc. are left alone. You are just pissed that some have more than others, but that is the way reality is. It will always be that way, some people will always have more money than you. Knocking down the rich won’t help the poor.
Who’s talking about robbing. Buffet got his money from people who voluntarily payed him.
So if someone has more money than you they obviously are immoral, no matter how they got their money, well that also means that everyone pooer than you deserves your money as well. Why should you have this computer before little Timmy in France gets his supper. If Buffet has no right to his money then you have no right to your computer. Hell where do we draw the line, I can’t walk so I want your legs. Everyone cannot be responsible for every hardship of every other person on earth.
Heres another example of how society pressures people to give up. They try and make them feel guilty for having too much.
@dolmance Actually life itself is wired for exploitation, we are just the best at surviving. Exploit or die.
@dolmance @Andrew Jordan Stivers @John Henry ”You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”
- Abraham Lincoln
@esr Lincoln also said this:
”You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”
- Abraham Lincoln
@Jon Wos @Andrew Jordan Stivers I’m sorry that my values are so threatening to you. Take heart in knowing that if you ever need help that I can provide, I will do so…regardless of what I think of your ideology.
I didn’t mean to threaten you with such radical notions as charity and finding happiness in things other than material wealth. I am glad to know that you will remember this conversation if you are fortunate enough to consider *your* regrets before you pass.
Best of luck to you, brother, and much love.
@Jon Wos @dolmance @Andrew Jordan Stivers – “Wealth,” as you mean it, is a fantasy. I have very little in the way of material possessions…but the love which surrounds me makes me the richest man I know. That is “wealth,” and it is not something that can be quantified for the justification of greed.
I find it interesting how violently and aggressively people who have convinced themselves that material goods equal happiness will protest, when you challenge that notion.
@ella Doing my best. It wasn’t my intent to impress, only to explain why my few meager possessions aren’t really things that I am able to give up – they are the tools with which I do what I can to help those who have less achieve the human potential and dignity which is their fundamental right.
Actually, Lincoln said nothing of the sort. This is a quote from conservative Presbyterian minister William John Henry Boetcker (kind of ironic, huh?).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_J._H._Boetcker
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/lincoln/prosperity.asp
Note that I have just helped you permanently by doing what you can and should have done for yourself.
@Jon Wos @Jerry Thornton Frankly, Jon, if I ever earn your respect I’ll have to take a very hard look at what I may be doing wrong. You don’t strike me as having much respect for anything worth respecting, including yourself.
@Jon Wos @esr – Please provide evidence that you suffer from such a disorder. I have seen far too many people tell such stories for sympathy or in an attempt to avert criticism to take you at your word.
@John Henry really thats a new one, never been asked to prove that before. I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta, aka. brittle bones. What would prove to you that it is true anyway. Anyone can look up any info they want on the net.
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Many a times contributing to other’s joy in their lives makes our lives happier, thats what i believe in, and made my blog: http://onewaytocontribute.com. I would appreciate if you guys can provide me more ideas there
@John Henry Well I apologize for my historical error, but that fact that Lincoln didn’t say it doesn’t make the quote any less true.
and You haven’t helped me permanently, you’ve only helped me if I choose to correct my error. It is still my choice to correct my posts, and admit i was wrong and this is what permanently helps me. You are right though, I should have checked the quote for myself.
@John Henry I could care less for you standards of respect. Every person has the benefit of the doubt form me until they initiate disrespect, explicitly or implicitly. You lost my respect with your implicit moral condemnation of people who enjoy material things.
@John Henry @dolmance @Andrew Jordan Stivers There is nothing wrong morally, or practically, with wanting, having, keeping, or producing material wealth. If you don’t need things to make you happy, thats fine, but don’t tell me that anyone who does is destroying society.
@John Henry Your system of Values has been in effect for more than 1,000 years now, and things aren’t getting any better. Time society as a whole tries a new way of looking at things.
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@Jon Wos – Latin verbiage is proof of nothing. You claim to be a speaker, etc. etc. Surely there is some public record of this. You probably have a website? An agent, perhaps, who arranges your speaking dates? A promo pack?
As it happens I had a good friend in the late 1990′s who had the same issue, which eventually killed him. That’s why your claim caught my eye.
In the two decades I’ve been involved in online discussion – long before there was anything like a “world wide web” – I’ve seen literally hundreds of people who were incapable of supporting their positions with fact or logic attempt to divert negative attention on themselves by claiming to be veterans, or cancer patients, or aids patients, or battered wives, or victims of sexual abuse, but who proved to be nothing of the sort when their stories were able to be tested for veracity.
You say you are Jon Wos and you suffer from this disease. I say I am John Henry (DeJong) and I don’t. I’ve got a website that’s been online since 2001 full of my photos and stories to back that up, and can if necessary create new video on demand to prove both my identity and the experiences and situations I claim to have.
If you’re going to throw this disease around claiming that it gives you special insight or makes you somehow exempt from criticism because you appear in every respect to be, for the most part, a self-aggrandizing jerk promoting a hateful, selfish, inhumane, and really rather pathetic and disgusting ideology of “to hell with anyone I judge to be unworthy,” then I think you have an obligation to prove you are who and what you say you are.
Anyone reading this can verify my identity in ten seconds through a wide variety of means ranging from “well look at my websites” to google-stalking. I’ll happily provide links for anyone who is too lazy to DTOFDW.
If you expect special consideration of ANY kind, whether that be some change in attitude on the part of those who disagree with you (and don’t hold your breath waiting for that from me – a jerk with cancer isn’t less a jerk because they have cancer unless they quit being a jerk), or some deference to your experience which may be relevant to the task at hand (i.e. having come close to death more frequently than those who do not suffer from a debilitating disease), then you have a duty to provide those of whom you ask this consideration enough information to independently confirm your identity and situation so that they may do so with confidence that they’re not being trolled or manipulated.
You’ll note that I’m NOT “accusing” you of anything or taking any position that you ARE or ARE NOT who you say or in the condition you claim. I just prefer to see evidence rather than taking your word for it, because frankly I find it not at all unreasonable to think that someone with your hateful, ugly attitude towards people would be willing to lie for attention or just for “fun,” and I’d like to be certain that who I’m dealing with is who and what they claim to be.
Or are we supposed to just go “OMG HE’S A CRIPPLE DON’T BE MEAN!” Because that’s really not my style, I think it’s kind of patronizing and condescending to treat the differently-abled with kid gloves out of pity.
Ironically, it was the friend I mentioned earlier who taught me that, after giving me seven shades of hell for not calling him on his negative behavior. It was a valuable, and valid, lesson.
@Jon Wos – I find your refusal to admit to having been helped entirely in line with the character you have displayed throughout this conversation.
I really hope that you have a chance to not be so bitter and insecure before you cash in your chips. I’d hate to leave the world being so arrogant and selfish as to think “I did it all by myself.”
you are too deep do you have a life at all
@Jon Wos – I’m forced to wonder what planet you live on. Please show me where in history we have ever placed the welfare of *other* human beings as a higher priority than the accumulation of material wealth as a matter of general practice.
As with people who proclaim the US to be the “freest nation in history,” you mistake rhetoric for reality..
@Andrew Jordan Stivers – Please don’t insult me and degrade yourself by suggesting that your assumptive and rude remark was just some misunderstood bit of politeness.
It’s a shame that some people today can only recognize aggression and insult when it’s coming toward them and not from them.
I find you deal with life with waht you are given and I always took the view when making a decision what would Jesus’ Think – I can honestly say most of my Life I have been a servant to all, I stepped up to the line when my country needed me, I was at my Family’s beck and call whenever the occassions demanded, I grafted hard in good and bad times, I have felt the pangs of hunger and the pain of a broken heart, I felt betrayal, and the glorious feeling of being wanted the only thing I am ashamed of is not doing enough to stop the killing of the Unborn in my country – This I’m trying to make amends for but in all my life’s journeys the overwhelming one thing I find is the most important is my relationship with God everything else pales in comparsion
I suspect 30-40 years from now, the biggest deathbed regret will be “I spent too much time staring at life through a monitor.” Take a road trip, go fishing with your kids, find a drive-in theatre. Real life is “out there,” not on a web site or through a view-finder.
@John Henry You are a pretty angry bro to be calling yourself “the most wealthy man in the world” and a person who surrounds himself with love. You also have a lot of free time to get into pointless arguments online for someone who doesn’t know if they can make rent next month. I don’t know what I said that was rude…Maybe the dumpster chair remark? But you called it a dumpster chair so I don’t think that is it.
Sent from my 3G Kindle.
Well @Jon Wos , I agree with these sentiments. I don’t get the sense that the people who failed to “live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me” did so out of altruism, but rather because of social expectations to have a job, start a family etc. This may be six-of-one, half-a-dozen-of-the-other as far as your point goes, but you seem to want to blame “collectivism,” where I think it’s just traditional social mores.
I think in general, there should be a balance between social and individual goals. I think one do have to put oneself first – because who else will? – but one does need to consider the effect on others. No man is an island, unless he lives alone on one.
@John Henry I have been helped tremendously throughout my life. And believe it or not but i help a lot of people too. There are you satisfied? I just choose not to help others at a loss to myself, it can be done.
@John Henry
I recognize no obligation to strangers. Why should I give you my information, so you can harass me? You claim anyone reading this can verify my identity in ten seconds through a wide variety of means ranging from “well look at my websites” to google-stalking. So do it, or are you too lazy to DTOFDW.
And actually you said some things I can agree with. it is patronizing and condescending to treat the differently-abled with kid gloves out of pity. And this is precisely what I’m saying our culture does is promote this type of behavior. People begin to help because they feel it is their duty, and they end up doing things for people just to fulfill that, and they overlook the effects it has on the person they tried to help. And this also promotes the very behavior you are implying I’m guilty of. Every lazy, rotten, bum comes running to cash in on the pity as people give it away almost freely as it is their duty, they’ve done their deed for the day, my intentions were good so I’m off the hook for any consequences.
But when people help others because they really love it or because they really love the person, then you are more likely to really act for their happiness as it so greatly adds to yours. Just like with your friend. You must realize that most people don’t get experiences like yours, so they all just act on this moral notion, and I’ve found this moral notion does more harm than good, for both the giver and the receiver, practically and psychologically. You notice the people on here who seem the happiest are the ones who can admit that they get something out of helping others, that there is a selfish motive behind it. What is wrong with that? You get all emotional and then can no longer see my basic point. That If helping others is what you want, then do it, but don’t claim that everyone should. Don’t imply that privation is somehow a moral action. Live and let live.
@John Henry I’m referring only to the cultural philosophy that expects the individual to be subordinated to, the group, the society, God, etc. That has existed as far back as Plato. That morality is ONLY judged on how you treat others, and has nothing to do with how you treat yourself.
@Paul Acciavatti
Good, but you are practically proving my point in your own words. Why is a person getting a job out of social expectation to have one? It is so blatantly obvious to me that this is what leads to the type of regrets in this article. You should get a job because you need to produce to survive, and you should choose the job based only on what you want to do, not on what society wants or even needs. Family is a chosen responsibility, so I do believe there are obligations to others there, but still there has to be a limit. Traditional social mores come from ideas like collectivism, so that is the level we have to question if social mores are to change. Social mores are not irreducible primaries, they have causes too. I’m referring only to the cultural philosophy that expects the individual to be subordinated to, the group, the society, God, etc. That has existed as far back as Plato. That morality is ONLY judged on how you treat others, and has nothing to do with how you treat yourself.
I think that social goals can only be met when people meet their individual goals. People can only really help others if they can help themselves first. I also agree that you have to consider the effects your actions have on others, but only to a certain point. “You” do come first, but not at the loss of someone else’s individual right to put their self interest first. It’s like the golden rule but a little more distinct.
I do think that every man IS an Island, and I mean this in mostly a cognitive way. Everyone is essentially alone in their own consciousness. One can choose to build bridges to other islands, it is in your own best interest to do so, with as many islands as you can, but you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not making the bridges your primary purpose in life.
@John Henry @Jon Wos “While our Western culture has degraded to the point that it really is no longer possible to exist without money, suggesting that owning the latest electronic gizmo will make you happy seems very shallow, cynical, and crass to me.”
John Henry, are you really trying to suggest that you are not condemning people who enjoy material things? You argue here that money is a degradation of Western Culture. Money is the most efficient way for us to trade with one another. To attack the concept of money, you attack the very notion of ownership be it land, a car or even food. You also go further to call anyone who gains happiness from the latest gizmo shallow, cynical and crass. Don’t back down now, you are on a roll.
Be proud and shout it from the rooftops! Exclaim to the world you are a parasite, leeching money off of others while you get an education because you are too proud to get a minimum wage job like the rest of us who actually worked while going to school. And apparently pretty proud of it. I worked as a custodian at my university to pay for my apartment and the meager possessions I owned. You hate those who find happiness when they purchase new items to make their lives easier, because you don’t feel like working the jobs your skills apparently qualify you for.
“So if I rob you and your family starves to death, but I put some of the proceeds of what I stole from you to AIDS research, I’m better than you are?”
That is what government does when it collects taxes, not what Warren Buffet does to make his money. The government steals from one person to give a welfare check to another, or to give iPads to students in the neighboring community, or to bring high-speed internet to rural areas.
If you have evidence that Warren Buffet has stolen from someone it should be reported to the authorities. Unless you are simply claiming he is a thief because he has more than you do. But that in turn makes you guilty of theft compared to everyone who has less than you.
How about regretting not spending any time contemplating GOD? After all, that will be the ONLY relationship that will never end!
@Jon Wos – Interesting that after being stuck to me like a deer tick you haven’t said a word in my direction since this question…and you’ve done nothing to answer it.
@John Henry I’m afraid of no one finding my identity, thats why my name is on my posts and not some screen name. I would most willingly provide the proof someone would require, just not to you, pretty much anyone else on the comment page, but I think you are unreasonable enough to do something stupid with my info so I will prove nothing, to you. And taking donations from others is not a livelihood.
@Jon Wos Nice try. So long, sockpuppet.
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I already do it, .1) ok ;2)ok 3) ok
1)I am retired since 3 years ( im 41 years old
2) I m diving instructor in Thailand
3) I express my feelings…
I would add. I think people regret not having lived a life full of love and joy that they have shared making them sorely missed when they pass.
don’t settle.
I have a different 5…
I wish I had not been so egocentric and listened to others. Tried to live and experience some of their ideals and not been so bullheaded.
I wished I hadn’t been so lazy and let all those opportunities pass me by.
I wish I had not been so offensive and bull headed with my own feelings…sometimes costing me relationships and the reward of humility.
I wish I hadn’t wasted so much effort trying to constantly wrangle friendships and working my ass off to be the good friend.
I wish I had let myself be sadder. I wish I had not been so focused on me…rather than the joy of giving happiness, appreciating the worth of life in sadness and that the worth of life was about understanding the height of happiness which can really only be truly understood by your awareness of being unhappy at times. Trying to always be happy removes the understanding of what happiness is.
These regrets she posted are silly, because life is a balancing act for everyone. I just listed the five regrets that anyone could see would be common..and they are the polar opposite of the ones that were listed.
“life is a balancing act for everyone” probably the truest thing that’s been posted so far, @dl . including the original article…
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John Henry – I have read all your posts directed at Jon Wos and I just want to say – YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER WANKER WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO WRITE YOUR DIATRIBE AT ANY UNSUSPECTING GOOD PERSON…….Looks to me like you may have got a bit of an education, just enough to make you sound a ‘little bit’ intimitating ..and now you are spreading your bullshit behind the guise cyberspace because actually, you havent got laid in a very, very looong time. Do us a favour and F OFF.
@John Henry @Jon Wos
John Henry – I have read all your posts directed at Jon Wos and I just want to say – YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER WANKER WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO WRITE YOUR DIATRIBE AT ANY UNSUSPECTING GOOD PERSON…….Looks to me like you may have got a bit of an education, just enough to make you sound a ‘little bit’ intimitating ..and now you are spreading your bullshit behind the guise cyberspace because actually, you havent got laid in a very, very looong time. Do us a favour and F OFF.
……. “5 regrets people say aloud on their deathbed, we teared up a little bit here at TNW.” …. Even in the Final lap they wont say thanks to the Lord or the World to have visited this earth …..
What was the size of the sample group? IE. how many people did she speak to. Would love to know. Thanks!
@shakti66 – How cute. He got so lonely he rolled another sockpuppet.
I’m really sorry that your life is miserable, but this all goes back to one simple thing:
I object to the suggestion that material wealth equates with happiness.
I’m sorry that you find that so threatening.
I am now unsubscribing from this thread, so you can stop begging me for attention now. Good day.
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All the way From Johannesburg (South Africa)
I know sometimes it’s hard to see how to find happiness in suffering, but it is possible and the quote from Lincoln is very good advice. For many people, unhappiness comes in the form of being unsatisfied with what you have (material possessions namely), and you can be happier if you learn to not to want so much. Learn to be content with yourself, your loved ones, your own accomplishments and character/ appearance, etc and you will be so much happier. You don’t need to compare yourself to everyone else, because you are unique and you dont need to be held to a scale to be a valuable person.
And about having an easy life, well, everyone’s experiences are totally different and there is no way to compare levels of suffering. To wallow in self-pity is to give up your own hope at having a good life. I know this is true because I went through what you call horrific events, and I lived through it and became what I am now, happy. I didn’t have a supportive family growing up, I had a father who was never there and a mother who called me a lazy bitch because I refused to go over to the house of the man who raped me. I was held to silence by that man and threatened that if I told anyone what was happening, my mother would be killed and then I would be killed. I had an inch deep gash in my leg and told to just cover it with a band-aid because that person couldn’t be bothered to take me to a hospital.
But the level of suffering that I went through may be just as deep as the child who is ignored by his/her father and picked on by classmates. I can’t experience their pain and they can’t experience mine, but when we grow up we CAN take our own lives in our hands and do what we want with it. We have that opportunity to find our own happiness and we should never take it for granted.
@esr
I know sometimes it’s hard to see how to find happiness in suffering, but it is possible and the quote from Lincoln is very good advice. For many people, unhappiness comes in the form of being unsatisfied with what you have (material possessions namely), and you can be happier if you learn to not to want so much. Learn to be content with yourself, your loved ones, your own accomplishments and character/ appearance, etc and you will be so much happier. You don’t need to compare yourself to everyone else, because you are unique and you dont need to be held to a scale to be a valuable person.
And about having an easy life, well, everyone’s experiences are totally different and there is no way to compare levels of suffering. To wallow in self-pity is to give up your own hope at having a good life. I know this is true because I went through what you call ‘horrific events’, and I lived through it and became what I am now, happy. I didn’t have a supportive family growing up, I had a father who was never there and a mother who called me a lazy bitch because I refused to go over to the house of the man who raped me. I was held to silence by that man and threatened that if I told anyone what was happening, my mother would be killed and then I would be killed. I had an inch deep gash in my leg and told to just cover it with a band-aid because that person couldn’t be bothered to take me to a hospital.
But the level of suffering that I went through may be just as deep as the child who is ignored by his/her father and picked on by classmates. I can’t experience their pain and they can’t experience mine, but when we grow up we CAN take our own lives in our hands and do what we want with it. We have that opportunity to find our own happiness and we should never take it for granted.
@dl
But the fact that people COULD have different regrets doesn’t change that fact that most people have regrets like the ones in the article. The article indicates that most people today who put others wishes above their own are less happy, and this is what society pushes on us, tipping the balance for so many. The scale of balance you speak of can be tipped in either direction, but our culture wants it tipped to others, at a loss to ones self.
@annonymous I agree however I do think life is about constant and never ending improvement, so there will always be the desire to achieve higher goals, etc. Many people however just don’t know how to enjoy what they have already achieved, and constantly comparing oneself to others, I agree, is destructive, unless you are looking up to that person and using them as an example for yourself, not necessarily a comparison.
@Jon Wos I would whole-heartfelt disagree that our society pushes the balance to put other’s ahead of ourselves. I don’t know what you believe but the “me” generation and period didn’t get it’s name from a society pushing for others at a cost of ourselves. People have a wide variety of regrets.. Life is rarely in perfect balance. These she collected are on a mean scale.. Not an average. It is like measuring the taste of an orange by the quantity of small ones. So it is silly math is all I am saying. Every life is different and I would argue the list I wrote are common as well. Taking action to be selfless or self-helpful will always risk weighting your life unbalanced in the opposite direction … And does.
@dl willson
dl willson . I don’t understand how you can disagree that our society pushes the balance to put others ahead of ourselves. I’m speaking of social pressure. It is pretty much a social norm to say that selflessness is the moral ideal. Morality is considered to be only a code for the way you treat others, and has nothing to do with how you treat yourself. I believe the only way to achieve a true balance is to admit that the reason we help each other is for our own selfish pleasure. Selflessness is not necessary. The motivation for doing something is of vital importance to ones psychology, and constantly hearing from others that selfishness is immoral gives many people a guilt complex. Bromides like: “you are your brothers keeper”, “don’t be so selfish”, “don’t take yourself so seriously”, “it is better to give than to receive”, etc. Not to mention things prominent people say, from quite a ways back now:
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” -JFK
“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Life’s most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” -Martin Luther King, Jr.
“… her great humanitarian work, her tireless and selfless devotion to others, her sense of mercy and humility, were beacons of light in this world. Our best homage to her can be to seek and cultivate the goodness within ourselves and others.” -Former President Jimmy Carter (released this statement from he and his wife, Rosalyn, when Mother Theresa died.)
“Let us try to teach generosity and altruism, because we are born selfish.” -Richard Dawkins
“We have so far to go to realize our human potential for compassion, altruism, and love.” – Jane Goodall
“Man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow men.” -Mohandas K. Gandhi
“That man is good who does good to others; if he suffers on account of the good he does, he is very good; if he suffers at the hands of those to whom he has done good, then his goodness is so great that it could be enhanced only by greater sufferings; and if he should die at their hands, his virtue can go no further: it is heroic, it is perfect.” – Jean De La Bruyère
“We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them.” – Buddha
“Only a life lived for others is worth living” -Albert Einstein
“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Anthony Robbins
“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” -Wayne Dyer
“I have to live for others and not for myself; that’s middle class morality” -George Bernard Shaw
“It’s only when we forget ourselves that we do the things that deserve to be remembered.” – Rick Warren
“Selfishness is that detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without in himself” – Henry Ward Beecher
“Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires.” -Lao Tzu
“To feel much for others and little for ourselves; to restrain our selfishness and exercise our benevolent affections, constitute the perfection of human nature.” -Adam Smith
“ We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a good motive.” – Lord Byron
“… it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.” B. Obama
I certainly feel a push from society to be selfless , and don’t see how anyone can claim otherwise.
Not sure why I bit… If you don’t see a culture that encourage’s a self focus… About owning things, consumption, who is right, who “wins”, vanity… Which by your posts you can see you have bought into that “me” thing as our only natural state. Some people are inherently balanced in the two… And “no” it is not just self preservation. Sometimes selflessness is good because witnessing another person’s happiness is a pretty good base feeling all by itself. But I realize this is a pointless conversation.
@dl willson Yes our culture does encourage self focus, on a very superficial level, and then they make you feel guilty for it. Our culture is corrupt, most would say, implying that we should be less self focused. There is always a push to be selfless, and this competes with the self focus side, splitting people in two. You either have to be practical or moral. I reject this, the practical IS the moral.
You say: “Sometimes selflessness is good because witnessing another person’s happiness is a pretty good base feeling all by itself.” That makes it selfish. Emotions are inherently selfish and love is the most selfish emotion of all. If you get something out of an action, even just an emotion, then it is not selflessness.
If its such a pointless conversation then why did you post this even. There are no pointless conversations, unless you think that the only purpose to debate someone is to get them to come to your side.
@dl willson Are you arguing that owning things, consuming things, deciding who is right, deciding who wins, and caring about your physical appearance are negative?
“Sometimes selflessness is good because witnessing another person’s happiness is a pretty good base feeling all by itself.”
What you describe above is not selflessness, it is called rational selfishness. You have traded values with a person. You have traded whatever it was you gave or did to make the other person happy, in turn you have received the value of your own happiness. It is why we give gifts to love ones. We enjoy making those around us happy.
If I shovel my 90-year-old neighbor’s driveway for him, this is not a selfless act. In fact it is one of the most selfish things I can do, if I actually care about my neighbor. If he were to fall and break a bone, I would lose a value dear to me, that being my neighbor who would have to be in a hospital, possibly placed in a nursing facility.
Even helping a stranger can be selfish based on our natural disdain for witnessing human suffering, although one must be careful when aiding strangers because it is difficult to tell whether one is truly helping or enabling poor decisions that caused the suffering to begin with. This requires taking the happiness of the stranger into consideration and placing their happiness among the things that you value thus making you happy.
Seems like you and jon wos are readers of ayn rand? she has same philosophy of love.
@John Henry @Jon Wos @esr john have you told such stories? lol
@John Henry @Jon Wos @esr john have you told such stories? lol
So inspiring. I also wrote a blog post about the top 5 regrets of the dying: http://elizabethyork.com/top-5-regrets-in-life-of-the-dying via @elizabeth york