Gadgets for humans

Hey Apple, here’s some other shit not to include with iPhones

Gently kiss the boot on your neck

header image iphone 13 no charger earbuds

Looks like the rumors are gathering pace: the iPhone 12 might not come with a charger or earbuds in the box.

You might think this is a shameless cash grab, a way of forcing you to shell out another $60 or $70 just to use the product you already paid around a grand for, but you’d be wrong. This is capitalism, baby.

Let’s put it out there: Apple needs our help. As of writing, the company was only the second most valuable in the world, with a market cap barely nudging $1.5 trillion and a paltry $192.8 billion in cash reserves.

And the iPhone? Well, it only accounts for around 50% of the company’s revenue. Oh, and Apple’s Q2 2020 revenue figures hit a modest $58.3 billion.

[Read: Big Sur is macOS 11 — RIP OS X, we hardly knew thee]

Genuinely, Apple needs each and every one of us to muck in and get it out of this devastating hole. We’ve already sacrificed the headphone jack adaptor with the iPhone 11, and are set to lose the charger and earbuds from the iPhone 12, but this isn’t enough.

We, the people, need to give up more and more stuff to ensure each and every Apple employee can have the golden Segway they deserve. And that’s why I’m here: to suggest what Apple can jettison with the iPhone 13 to ensure it can live the life it desires.

The info pull-out

iphone 11 pull-out slip case
I grabbed this from a CNET video, so thanks y’all for doing god’s work and including this dull shot.

Do we need any legal documents that state some rights and responsibilities? Or basic instructions? Shouldn’t we just accept that Apple knows best and whatever it wants to do we should accept?

Yes. You might’ve thought that section was rhetorical, but it wasn’t. So, again, yes.

The only thing I would like to keep would be those Apple stickers, so I can use them to promote my glorious, money-grabbing overlords. It’s what they need.

Actually, while we’re at it, why not take the Amazon Kindle approach with the insert? Replace all the documents with printed ads (maybe some that blare out horrendous sound like those crapy birthday cards) and force people to pay to not have them included in the iPhone 13 box.

The SIM eject tool

sim eject tool

You might look at this and think “surely this only costs Apple about two cents per tool,” but Apple’s looking at it and thinking “this costs us about two cents per tool.”

Think of the potentially hundreds of dollars the company could save worldwide by not including these with the iPhone 13. This would either force people to use a paperclip, or shell out $10 for the official Apple Eject Tool.

Of course, it’d be exactly the same as the one you used to get included, apart from the one you pay for comes with a free overwhelming sense of shame.

The box

iphone 11 pro box

Let’s get rid of the iPhone 13 box. Apple shouldn’t waste money on packaging when we can all crawl to the Apple store, beg for our new phones with palms outstretched like we’re asking for gruel, and have our iPhones flung at us.

If they break? Well, you should’ve done a better job catching it, peasant.

There’s no reason we should waste precious Apple-purchased cardboard when our expendable human flesh can be used to protect and transport our phones instead.

Please, Mr. Tim Apple, may I lick your boot? $1,000? Worth it. Deal.

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Published June 29, 2020 — 10:15 UTC