TNW’s School Supplies: Gifts to bribe the teachers molding your children’s minds

Because if bribes are good enough for the mafia, then they're good enough for you.

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No matter how smart (or dumb) your kid is, a lot of their success in school relies on their teacher(s). This means the real question isn’t how you get your child smarter, it’s how you make the teacher like them more. And I know how you do it. By giving the teachers gifts.

Finding the right object to gift is easier said than done, but lucky for you, I know all the different types of teachers that exist – making bribing that education-lackey easy.

Look, I know you might think “bribing” is a dirty word, but capitalism is capitalism. It’s sell or be sold. Buy or be bought. So, what I’ve done to help you out in this dog-teach-dog world is to find the perfect gift for the type of teacher your child is (probably) being lectured by.

Give them one of the below presents, sit back, and marvel at your youngster’s soaring grades.

The traditionalist

You know the type: they’d wear a mortarboard everyday if the kids would stop sticking gum on it and their colleagues would start speaking to them again.

This type of teacher is unlikely to take kindly to more expensive gifts, viewing them – for some unknown reason – as an affront to their integrity. In other words, they’re your garden variety narc.

But there’s a way of getting around this: apples.

You know what she wants.

Traditional teachers love apples. They hark back to the days when rascally children with dirty knees, freckles, and caps would slap a juicy-looking Granny Smith down on the desk with a chip-toothed smile and a coal-mine wink. Those truly were the days.

And you know what’s even better? Amazon literally has sacks of apples for sale. Your child will never run out of fruit to give to their teacher again and you don’t even need to get out of your chair. Good grades are a step closer.

The over-organizer

Some people choose teaching because they like the idea of passing down knowledge and enriching the next generation. Others just looked at the world, saw chaos and uncertainty, and wanted to do something about it. And, by something about it, I mean try and combat the tide by turning children into fleshy robots.

You know this type of teacher, they give out meticulous report cards, spend their weekends marking unimportant essays, have lesson plans done a year in advance, and always, always wear some sort of smart clothing. Like a “shirt” with “buttons.” And probably glasses.

The gift this sort of teachers appreciate most is stationary. That’s just a fact. Stationary is the tool the rigid people use to navigate the world. They combat the oscillating nature of human relationships by having a really, really accurate ruler. They get over their parents’ deaths with meticulously organized markers. Late at night, when all they want to do is howl at the moon in frustration, they’re sharpening their pencil collection.

But, what do you get the stationary enthusiast who has everything?

I’ll tell you. The FlexDesk 640. Look at this fucker:

Still not convinced? Let me shower you with some quotes from the product’s description:

  • “document holder and writing slope”
  • “an in-line workstation”
  • “satin work surface, easy gliding rails, handy cabin”
  • “prevents undue head and neck movements”

You know it’s perfect for the overly-organized teacher. They can store their paperclips and hole-punch in there.

The tech lover

There’ll always be a teacher who’s in love with technology, who has that childlike spark in their eye when a new gadget comes out. It’s just the way it is. But, knowing the huge, almost obscene amount that teachers get paid, they’ll already have a huge TV, the latest phone, and a computer advanced enough to hold a conversation with. Hell, their mansion will be brimming with technology, their pool filled with gold-plated gear from yesteryear, their stables populated by robotic horses programmed only to run fast and love.

You need to think outside the box. Get them something they definitely won’t have. Something like… a thermal camera for their phone?

But, and as a disclaimer, don’t give this to a creepy or gym teacher, yeah?

The fitness fanatic

There’s always one school employee who loves exercise a bit too much. They’ll moonlight as a physical education teacher, run after school sports classes, and probably turn up in the morning sweating, wrapped in skintight lycra after a 20-mile cycle.

Yeah, a piece of fruit would go down okay – they’re into that health shit – but, if you need to stand-out, you need to do something more. Something like… AN UNDER DESK CYCLING MACHINE.

Strong legs are a mere 8-hour cycling session away.

Imagine all those hours they’ve wasted sat down and not exercising. Think about how it haunts them. Then, when you give them this solution to remaining swole and sweaty, how kindly they’ll treat your offspring.

The loose cannon

Ah, everyone’s favorite teacher. Think back to your school days, remember a teacher who was late to every class? Wore a stained shirt? Smelt malty? Arrived at school each morning wearing sunglasses and armed with a garbage can of coffee? The one who, a decade later, you swear you saw stumble out of a club, vomit on a stray dog, fling their shoes onto a roof, and then punch a lamppost? Of course you do.

A normal gift isn’t going to cut it with this individual. Hell, they probably don’t even remember your name. Or your kid’s name. Or the name of the school they work at. But you know what they’d remember? The person who gave them a sick weed vape, like the Pax 3 (read our review of it here).

Mmm, weed stick.

As the old saying goes: it’s cool if a teacher’s getting blazed, as long as your kid is getting straight A’s.

So, there you have it, lucky parents, five gifts for the only five types of teachers that exist.

For ease, here they are again:

Good luck with the bribing. Sorry, I mean convincing a teacher to do something they weren’t going to do before with the aid of valuable goods. Ah, that’s better. Godspeed to better grades.

Published September 11, 2018 — 13:00 UTC