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This article was published on April 15, 2016

This smart mattress knows when you’re hooking up with your neighbor

This smart mattress knows when you’re hooking up with your neighbor
Bryan Clark
Story by

Bryan Clark

Former Managing Editor, TNW

Bryan is a freelance journalist. Bryan is a freelance journalist.

According to a recent study, Spanish men and women are some of the most unfaithful in all the world. In light of this, Durmet — a Spanish mattress company — has come up with a rather unorthodox solution to put an end to infidelity.

Color me skeptical that this actually exists, but if it does it’s on another level when it comes to trust issues.

The ‘Smarttress,’ while obviously named by a focus group of kindergartners pre-snack, is a slightly insane way to catch unfaithful partners. Its ‘Lover Detection System” (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up) includes 24 ultrasonic sensors capable of “capturing suspicious movement” and alerting both bed owners of the activity via mobile app.

The app can also track a full range of statistics from speed to intensity and impact — you know, in case you’re keeping score. Or, you can just pull up a 3D map of the mattress to show exactly which part of the bed your slut of a partner is using to get down.

At this point I’m sure this is either dangerously close to “leave town and stay with relatives while using a pseudonym” or an elaborate publicity stunt to sell more mattresses by Durmet (assuming the company exists outside of a website). Neither would surprise me, as at this point t’s obvious the IoT is on a mission to get us all killed.

If you’d like a statistical breakdown of when the magic happens — even if it’s not with you — you can pre-order the product on the Smarttress website.