Please Apple, go through everything on my phone

There’s been a lot of bellyaching about Apple recently. Too much if you ask me. So what if Apple plans to scan your phone for the hash of child sexual abuse material? Why do you care? You a nonce or something?

My question is this: why stop there with opening up its encryption system? I’ve got nothing to hide.

While you’re scanning through all my photos, Apple, why don’t you check if I’ve got any videos of men getting it on with other men? Why should I care? Statistically, it’s under 5% of the population. Not my problem.

After you’ve gone through all my media, please, have a gander at my messages too. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by some of the witticisms I’ve been throwing out.

And if a joke or a private message is flagged? Doubt it’s going to happen to me. Satire? Never heard of her.

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Once all my data is sloshing about on Apple’s servers, let’s kick it up a notch. Send it to more private companies. Make some quick cash. In fact, how about you fire it across to whatever government you fancy?

I’d like to see those chumps in Washington and London and Rio de Janeiro and Budapest and Pyongyang and Moscow trawl through all my personal data and then weaponize it to crush and undermine any different opinions I may hold.

Good luck. Everyone knows governments couldn’t organize a piss up in a piss factory made of piss. They’re nothing to worry about.

You know what? Unleash any neural network or predictive model on my data and information too. Let’s get all Minority Report on this. I know I’m not gonna commit any crimes in the future — I’m a law abiding citizen, after all — so let prosecutors do their worst.

And if I get locked up for something I might think in the future? Well, fair’s fair. I mean, if Apple’s breaking its own pledge to provide its users privacy, who’s to say I’m not committing a thought crime in 20 years time?

But I doubt that’s gonna happen. I’ve already said, I’ve got nothing to hide, after all.

Story by Callum Booth

Callum Booth is a freelance journalist with over a decade of experience. Previously, he was the Managing Editor of TNW, where his reporting (show all) Callum Booth is a freelance journalist with over a decade of experience. Previously, he was the Managing Editor of TNW, where his reporting was cited widely, including in VICE, the FT, and the BBC. Callum’s writing has appeared in The Verge, The Daily Telegraph, Time Out, and many more. He covers the full spectrum of technology, with a particular focus on how it shapes our daily lives. And a lot of regulation stuff too. Outside of work, Callum’s an avid bookworm, a Fisherman’s Friends addict, and resolutely unshaven. Follow him on Twitter @CallumBooth or visit www.callumbooth.net.