The party is ON! Join us at TNW Conference 2021 in Amsterdam for face-to-face business!

Your sardonic source for consumer tech stories

This article was published on August 13, 2021

Please Apple, go through everything on my phone

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE

Please Apple, go through everything on my phone
Callum Booth
Story by

Callum Booth

Editor of Plugged by TNW

Callum is an Englishman in Amsterdam, but not in the way you're thinking. He's the Editor of Plugged, TNW's consumer tech vertical. He w Callum is an Englishman in Amsterdam, but not in the way you're thinking. He's the Editor of Plugged, TNW's consumer tech vertical. He writes about gear, gadgets, and apps — with a particular focus on Apple — and also makes the occasional odd video. Basically, he's halfway between an abrasive gadget nerd and thinky art boy.

There’s been a lot of bellyaching about Apple recently. Too much if you ask me. So what if Apple plans to scan your phone for the hash of child sexual abuse material? Why do you care? You a nonce or something?

My question is this: why stop there with opening up its encryption system? I’ve got nothing to hide.

While you’re scanning through all my photos, Apple, why don’t you check if I’ve got any videos of men getting it on with other men? Why should I care? Statistically, it’s under 5% of the population. Not my problem.

After you’ve gone through all my media, please, have a gander at my messages too. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by some of the witticisms I’ve been throwing out.

And if a joke or a private message is flagged? Doubt it’s going to happen to me. Satire? Never heard of her.

Once all my data is sloshing about on Apple’s servers, let’s kick it up a notch. Send it to more private companies. Make some quick cash. In fact, how about you fire it across to whatever government you fancy?

I’d like to see those chumps in Washington and London and Rio de Janeiro and Budapest and Pyongyang and Moscow trawl through all my personal data and then weaponize it to crush and undermine any different opinions I may hold.

Good luck. Everyone knows governments couldn’t organize a piss up in a piss factory made of piss. They’re nothing to worry about.

You know what? Unleash any neural network or predictive model on my data and information too. Let’s get all Minority Report on this. I know I’m not gonna commit any crimes in the future — I’m a law abiding citizen, after all — so let prosecutors do their worst.

And if I get locked up for something I might think in the future? Well, fair’s fair. I mean, if Apple’s breaking its own pledge to provide its users privacy, who’s to say I’m not committing a thought crime in 20 years time?

But I doubt that’s gonna happen. I’ve already said, I’ve got nothing to hide, after all.

Did you know we have a newsletter all about consumer tech? It’s called Plugged In – and you can subscribe to it right here.

Also tagged with