Because soylent isn’t weird enough, the internet now wants you to chew your coffee

Hey, internet: is coffee too wet for your mouth? Hahaha, silly humans. The geniuses at Nootrobox don’t want you to sip your cup of joe, if wants you to chew it.

A new Indiegogo project called Go Cubes wants to disrupt the caffeine scene by introducing a chewable alternative. “GO CUBES are crafted for performance,” the page writes. My take? This thing makes soylent look like a dream.

Each Go Cube amounts to about half a cup of coffee, which means gummy lovers (like yours truly) will need to go easy on the caffeine dosage. The vegan-friendly cubes come in three different flavors: mocha, latte and classic drip. Each box has a mix of all three flavors, so you can’t necessarily mix and match (yet.)

Alongside caffeine, the cubes are also outfitted with “supplements” to help keep your brains alert. The compounds include various amounts of vitamin B’s and Folic Acid.

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For an early bird pledge of $17 (regularly $37), you’ll get 50 cubes to chew on and scold away your children’s prying hands. What do you think this shit is, Flintstones vitamins? Hop outta here.

Whatever the case, if you’re constantly concerned about coffee getting your face and purses too damp every morning, now you have a solution. Thank you, internet.

COUNTERPOINT via Nate Swanner

With due respect, Natt: Why not? Everything else is in gummy form. I mean, we can’t even take vitamins like adults anymore, so why drink coffee like one?

Also, have you ever had airplane coffee? It sucks. I know my East Coast brethren swear by Dunkin Donuts coffee, but my exposure to it on JetBlue flights makes me sad for the whole eastern seaboard. It’s wretched.

It would be nice to pop a gummy into my mouth as the low-eyed flight attendant asked if I wanted coffee next time I’m jetting down to San Francisco for an event. I’d even make extended eye contact as I chewed, then eek out a “…no” several seconds later just to punctuate how terrible airplane coffee is. I’d rather knock back a gummy coffee than suffer another in-flight java experience.

Coffee is dead. Long live coffee gummies.

Now it’s your turn. Let’s discuss!

➤ Go Cubes [Indiegogo]