Callum BoothManaging Editor
Callum is the Managing Editor of TNW. He covers the full spectrum of technology, looks after editorial newsletters, and makes the occasional Callum is the Managing Editor of TNW. He covers the full spectrum of technology, looks after editorial newsletters, and makes the occasional odd video.
I’m sure you’ve heard the news: a Facebook smartwatch is on the way. And you know how this makes me feel? Absolutely fantastic.
There are few things I’d like more than for the company to track my every single movement and access a raft of health data — and what better way of doing that is there than a Facebook smartwatch?
But… I have a dilemma.
Ideally, I’d like to give Facebook more of my personal data than a simple wrist-bound wearable can deliver. There’s only one solution: ZuckTech. And lots of it.
Luckily for you and Facebook, I’m just the man to create it. Let’s get thinking.
A Facebook thermometer
The Facebook smartwatch will have my heart rate and movement data, but it most likely won’t have access to more intimate details of my body.
So how about Zuckerberg releases a Facebook thermometer? That’s a suppository? That also takes blood? And cannot be removed without surgical assistance? That’s some quality ZuckTech right there.
The Facebook cube
Now we have a Facebook smartwatch and in-body thermometer, the next step is clear: THE FACEBOOK CUBE.
We’ve seen the company try and branch into consumer tech before with the Portal and its purchase of Oculus, but, simply, this won’t do. Think of all the people out there using phones, tablets, and computers that Zuckerberg doesn’t have access to. It makes me sick.
That’s why I’d like to introduce you to the Facebook cube.
Picture it: a deep, black box covered with screens and cameras and microphones. Is it a phone? A tablet? A computer? A projector? A speaker? Friends, it’s all of this and more.
Also it’s powered by your heart so needs to be physically attached to you and if you take it off you’re probably going to bleed out.
A Facebook full body suit
Imagine, if you will, a suit that covers your entire body. It forms a layer over your skin, covering every orifice and coating each sense.
It sees what you see, hears what you hear, smells what you smell. Sounds great, right? Well it gets even better: the Facebook suit will hoover up all that data so it can serve you the most brilliant and personalized adverts you’ve ever seen!
Think of the utopia that would be! Facebook data would never again be used against your knowledge to rig elections. It wouldn’t need to pay $20 to access all your phone data or read all your messages without permission.
And you can be certain Facebook wouldn’t make statuses public, or expose user sessions, or let websites read users’ likes and interests! No way! It can’t be a privacy violation if the company now owns your privacy!
Friends, a Facebook smartwatch is just the start, merely a curtain twitch from the sweaty peeper’s house. I’ve shown you just how much more potential there is out there.
At least I can take heart in the knowledge that all this ZuckTech will ensure that your personal and private data is exactly where it needs to be: on Facebook’s servers and accessible to whoever’s willing to pay for it.
Just as nature intended.
Get the TNW newsletter
Get the most important tech news in your inbox each week.