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This article was published on February 21, 2018

Cryptocurrency News 2/21/2018

Cryptocurrency News 2/21/2018
Ed Zitron
Story by

Ed Zitron

Ed Zitron is the CEO of EZPR, a Media Relations company based in San Francisco, Boston and Portland. He's written a book called This Is How Ed Zitron is the CEO of EZPR, a Media Relations company based in San Francisco, Boston and Portland. He's written a book called This Is How You Pitch and was named one of Business Insider's Top 10 PR people in tech, as well as one of Adweek's 30 under 30.

Editor’s note: The following column is written as intentional satire and may or may not have deliberate or undeliberate errors.

What happened everyone. What happened?!

Cryptos go to the toilet

God damnit we were all doing so well, and now Bitcoin is down to $10,500. How the hell am I meant to pay back the 40% APR loan I took out to buy all of them? This is ridiculous! You’ll hear from my senator Mr. Bob Fudge (Democrat).

Japan breaks Bitcoin

Zaif (pronounced “Wife”), a Japanese exchange of cryptocurrency, has admitted a “system glitch” allowed people to buy trillions of dollars worth of Bitcoin for their real value – zero dollars. That’s the entire joke everyone!


Everyone was asking me yesterday about the Petro cryptocurrency that stable and normal nation Venezuela is going to be distributing to stabilize the Bolivar, their other currency that isn’t doing well at the moment. It’ll be backed by “Venezuelan crude reserves,” sort of how Tether is backed by another kind of oil, if you catch my drift, and people are claiming it’s just another way to raise money without having to actually abide by things like laws, also sort of like Tether. I’m getting at something here, read between the lines. Anyway, the pre-sale is only in cash, which is bullshit and I personally will no longer be doing business with President Maduro until he accepts Doge.

Nathaniel Popper, New York Times writer and author of “I Married A Bitcoin And I’m Pregnant With Its Child,” dug up an interesting point – that basically the government doesn’t know what they’re doing.

No Bitcoin government

The US government has seized Bitcoin in the past from people doing crimes, and this will probably lead a lot of libertarian epic bacon Rick and Morty fans to shit their pants. It is a really funny story though:

To get Ulbricht’s Bitcoin, they snatched his open, unlocked laptop from under his nose while arresting him in a San Francisco library…

This is why I keep Lemonparty open at all times – just in case the feds come for me.


Offensive content

I work where CNBC is on TV 24/7 and I really want to throw up when I see things like this… from litecoin

Screw you CNBC! Litecoin is not surging on FORKS, you imbeciles!

Time to trade some US dollars 

does anyone day trade Tether? from altcoin

Steven Seagal

So everyone also was demanding I talk about Steven Seagal’s cryptocurrency, which is called Bitcoiin. My only comment is I’m fairly sure he was just trying to buy some Bitcoin but his fat fingers hit the I key twice.

Alternative reality Garfield coin

I created WednesdayCoin – A coin that can only be sent on Wednesdays, and I will be airdropping to whomever wants some! from altcoin

I don’t even know what to say, honestly.

FARM ville

FARMcoin: is it legal? Answer here! from altcoin

It isn’t.

McAfee update: what if 100% brain?


Remember that movie The Last Starfighter? I’m that but for Bitcoin. In my universe where I am from we just have US dollars and other such “fiat” currencies but I was brought here to stabilize and bring in a new era of digital currency called “cryptocurrency.” I am assumed dead on my homeworld.

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