Corporate Gibberish Generator™ makes crappy slogans for your startup

One thing I used to hate when I initially started as a reporter, but have recently come to (mockingly) appreciate, is the bombastic language companies like to use when describing their products – the buzzword-infused lingo devised to make you excited even about the most boring of inventions.

This is how you ultimately end up seeing words like “bleeding-edge,” “ergonomically 3D-printed“, and “lifehack” in a pitch about a regular effing water bottle with a rectangular shape.

But to the delight of tone-deaf founders seeking “lean solutions” and to the horror of obnoxious PR professionals, it turns out there is a tool that can churn out such content entirely autonomously – and free of charge.

Built by developer Andrew Davidson, Corporate Gibberish Generator is a hilarious pseudo-productivity tool that automatically puts together buzzword-infused mission statements that also happen to be absolutely devoid of any meaning.

You know, like most of the crappy mission statements you see on the websites of aspiring startups, claiming to be the “Google of X,” the “Apple of Y,” and the “Uber of Z.”

All you need to do is fill in your company name and the generator will readily spill out pompous, generic expressions like:

• “We here at TOS (the Tesla of Strollers) believe we know that it is better to cultivate compellingly than to enable intuitively.”
• “We here at the Shazam for Salads have proven we know that it is better to maximize holistically than to deliver interactively.”
• “Stupidly is the industry leader of innovative action-items.”
• “Moronice is the industry leader of real-world dot-com macro-research and development.”
• And so on, and so on…

A particularly nice touch of irony is that the dedicated Company Name field at Corporate Gibberish Generator defaults to AssCo – which really seems to put things into perspective.

In all fairness, the quirky tool has been around since at least 2004. But it is still pretty entertaining to see how little this asshat parlance has changed over the years. It is even more absurd that it continues to exist on the ‘About’ pages of so many ambitious new startups.

You know what they say: Change always starts with you.

Now go generate some random-ass mission statements here and learn what verbose jargon you need to avoid when writing yours.

That is, unless you deliberately want to sound like a douche – in which case, Corporate Bullshit Generator, Corporate B.S. Generator, Corporate Ipsum (the Lorem Ipsum for corporates, if you’d like) might come in handy too.