Cellphone Use Does Not Cause Cancer – We Are Shocked

Hey there friend, do you have a cellphone? Perhaps three? Well, we have good news, cellphone use does not cause cancer!

Call your Mom, it won’t hurt.

A new study from the Journal of the National Cancer Institute shows that in the 60,000 person pool of Northern Europeans watched, there was no data that  pointed to a higher occurrence of brain cancers or other complications among cell phone users.

Thank the heavens, can you image Apple’s margins sans the iPhone? Of course, no one was exactly overly concerned over the threat, radio waves are just another frequency. But, it is nice to have yet another test come up negative. You are safe on the cellular.

As a quick aside, can you imagine what would have happened if the results had come in the other way? The panic! How many people spend more than an hour on their cell a day talking? Tens of millions! Perhaps even hundreds of millions!

The chaos would have consumed our planet. Happily, the status quo shall prevail, and cell phones will remain. Now, go about they business and fear not.