THE ROCK – the world’s most charismatic steroid user – has just released a product he described on Instagram as “the WORLD’S FIRST over the ear headphones engineered for HARDCORE TRAINING.”
Apart from, THE ROCK, they aren’t really, are they? Are they? Are they really, THE ROCK?
In fact, other famous person Cristiano Ronaldo – in conjunction with Monster – has already released his own pair of over-ear headphones engineered for sport. They’re called, and I quote, “ROC SPORT BLACK PLATINUM OVER-EAR HEADPHONES.” The caps are required, otherwise they’re not extreme.
To be fair to THE ROCK, the marketing collateral for Ronaldo’s doesn’t say “HARDCORE TRAINING” anywhere, so, technically – and I mean that in the worst way – THE ROCK isn’t wrong.
All this got me thinking. If THE ROCK can release a product that already exists, what other celebrities should get in on this game?
An Elon Musk-branded whip
Whips have been around for some time –you know, just like cars – but innovation in this field has been sorely lacking since the British Navy invented the cat o’ nine tails.
Well, your boy Elon is here to change that.
Look, when you’re busy running a company like Tesla, that’s totally gonna, you know, change the world, small details like “working conditions” and “employee rights” don’t matter. What matters is getting the job done. And what has history taught us about the best way to get a job done? Violence.
Elon has shown that the goal is more important than the people, so what better tool for him to release after his flamethrower than a whip? It’s the joy of free-market capitalism, yo! Still, don’t worry, he hasn’t forgotten about innovation. The Musk whip is also electric.
A Ben Affleck mannequin
Play this game with me. Try and imagine Ben Affleck’s face. Close your eyes and conjure up the best mental image you can.
Okay, now your eyes are open, you were imagining this, weren’t you?
I have a theory that Ben Affleck is the most average looking man in existence. Obviously he’s handsome, but it’s that Marks & Spencers dressing gown section handsome. A late-night shopping channel handsome. Ben Affleck is the sidewalk of handsomeness.
Now, this isn’t an attack – hell, I wish I was half as good looking as Mr. Affleck – it’s an opportunity. Take the mannequin industry. It has been stagnant for years, which is perfect for a non-offensive innovation like Ben Affleck’s face. All he has to do is slap his name on a few lifeless plastic dolls, say he’s disrupting the mannequin industry and the money will start rolling in.
A Donald Trump plastic mattress cover
Because, you know, I mean, it stops the, uh, from… going… yeah.
Jeff Bezos protein powder
So, Jeff used to look like this:
And now, he looks like this:
So, I guess, in about 10 years, he’ll look like this:
Bezos already owns Amazon – arguably the world’s biggest retailer (don’t @ me, Alibaba or Walmart) – so getting his own product line of the ground would be easy. Especially when that product is protein powder. And when that protein powder is called ‘Buff Bezos.’ And even more so when that’s literally the only thing Amazon sells. Even if you try and buy something else, Amazon sends you buckets of ‘Buff Bezos.’
Also, Bezos is now bigger than the planet and wants your lunch money.
A set of Mark Zuckerberg binoculars
It might just be me, but the Zuck has the look of a man who, if he wasn’t running a billion-dollar business empire, would be up a tree outside a female-only dorm with a pair of binoculars and a pocket full of vaseline. I mean, why else would you start a business that effectively spies on the population?
So, in my mind, it makes perfect sense that if Zuckerberg is going to put his creepy brand on a product, it’d best be a product that represents his true essence. And what’s more representative of the man than a pair of binoculars?
Yes, with the Zuckulars (we’ve got a team working on a new name), you don’t need to be in the direct vicinity of people to watch their every movement. In fact, you can be far, far away. Up a tree maybe. Possibly in a long coat. Undoubtedly pleasuring yourself.
And, of course, all the data gets sent back to Zuck’s lair. Because why wouldn’t it?