Editor’s note: The following column is written as intentional satire and may or may not have deliberate or undeliberate errors.
We apologize that this post was posted roughly 150 times in a row. An issue with our payment processor meant that we also logged into your bank account and wired all your funds to me, personally. Sorry. It won’t happen again as you don’t have any money left.
Coinbase raised a new round of funding yesterday when they decided to charge people anywhere from twice to ten times, which they claimed was due to Visa reclassifying old charges, and I personally believe them because if there’s anyone I believe understands randomly charging you for spurious reasons, it’s Coinbase.
Intrigue strikes as Visa claims it was most certainly NOT them:
Some people also got hit a little more than 10 times:
Coinbase is having a predictably normal and sane reaction, allegedly banning people’s accounts and charging deleted cards. Twitter also has successfully become a place where people are defrauding other people by pretending to be Coinbase and playing the ole “I will give you a dollar on Tuesday for a cryptocurrency today” trick. Personally, I think it’s admirable that Coinbase has decided to up their game compared to other exchanges – instead of losing cryptocurrency, they’re actively playing with the most terrifying currency of them all – the US dollar.
Bitcoin trader, tryna sell a sucker Litecoin
Theft news in the world today as the world’s least competent criminal stole millions of dollars of cryptocurrency to cover his own losses:
Nonetheless, on a weekend just after joining the unit, Kim transferred about 980 Litecoins valued at $48,000 from a Consolidated account to an account that wasn’t affiliated with the company, the U.S. said. Days later, a supervisor discovered the Litecoin transfer and questioned Kim, who claimed that he’d moved the funds to his “personal digital wallet for safety reasons.” Kim claimed it was intended to serve as “an intermediary holding space” to avoid issues he claimed to be having with the cryptocurrency exchange Bitfinex, located in Hong Kong.
Turns out the firm was even MORE smarterer, because they just took the guy’s word for it when he stole huge amounts of cryptocurrency from them and said he’d give it back:
In a second instance in November, a supervisor noticed that Kim transferred about 55 Bitcoins valued at about $433,000 from a company account into an unrecognized account. Kim claimed the transfer of the Bitcoin had been “blocked” and he had taken steps to unblock them. The supervisor understood that to mean the Bitcoins would be returned to Consolidated’s account.
Ellen knows about Bitcoin now
Television host Ellen mentioned Bitcoin, and people are positively losing it because the thing they like is now being talked about by someone who talks to normal people. Naturally Reddit thought this would create a bull run:
The best comment was disappointment that the person who’s entire job is heartwarming stories didn’t give a concise description of the blockchain:
Yeah Ellen, thanks for nothing. Your description was totally off. It’s not a physical currency, it’s prone to massive changes in value and it’s going to replace all fiat currency in the next month.
John McAfee update: PROTECTED!
John McAfee has gone into protected mode on Twitter to escape the spammers allegedly and definitely not the people laughing at him for talking about eating his own dick.
Dirtbike for sale
Anyone want a dirtbike? Anyone want a dirtbike, who’s in Montana, who also wants to pay in Litecoin?
Savory granola for sale
Anyone want some granola? Anyone want some savory granola and want to buy it with Litecoin?
This guy’s Litecoin for sale
Anyone wanna steal this guy’s Litecoin really easily?
I am currently trapped in a vault owned by none other than the Winklevosses. They are making me take part in gruesome games much like the “saw” movies, except I have to cut off members of my family via passive aggressive Facebook messages.