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Apple Cloth is back in stock — so it’s time to talk Apple Cloth 2

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Friends! Acquaintances! Nemeses! Terrific news — the glorious Apple Cloth is back in stock. Woah, no need to close the article that fast.

Firstly, bless the kind and caring souls over at 9to5Mac for bringing this to light. All blessed up? Grand. Now, if you’d like to read about why we’re all so achingly excited about the Apple Polishing Cloth, you can do so here.

At TNW we’re not about rehashing the past (unless we are). No, we’re all about the future. And can you guess the future of the Apple Polishing Cloth? Damn right: the Apple Polishing Cloth 2.

I’m here to tell you what the hell that’d actually look like. To begin…

There’ll be types of Apple Cloth!

You heard that right, we’ve only just begun and have already whipped the rug out from under you. The next generation of the Apple Cloth won’t be one single bit of rectangular fabric, there’ll be two versions: the Apple Cloth 2 and the Apple Cloth Pro.

Let’s start with the former.

The Apple Polishing Cloth 2: More of the same, but MORE

Let’s turn to our old friend, the bullet point, to sum up Tim Cook’s main talking points when he unveils the Apple Cloth 2 in front of a heaving auditorium:

  • 5% bigger
  • 10% more absorbent
  • 25% thinner

The crowd will go wild. And then Tim will smile and tell us that’s not all.

“The Apple Cloth 2 will come in an array of different colors,” he’ll say.

“We have three new shades! Pontificating Purple, Bloodshed Red, and CHERNOBYL GREEN.”

At this point in the presentation, Mr. Tim Apple will wave down the audience’s rapturous applause, which will have been raging like a wildfire for the past several days.

He’ll look from left to right, his expression serious, yet profound. “Now for a first in Apple‘s entire history…” he’ll begin, before uttering the words:

The Apple Polishing Cloth Pro

You’re not a dirty animal, are you? A filthy little weeping scab? A nasty little toelicker? Didn’t think so. Of course you’re not. That’s why you need the Apple Cloth Pro.

Yeah, I’m sure the standard edition is fine for most people, but are you most people? Or are you special? A Pro person?

The naysayers may claim that the Apple Polishing Cloth Pro is just a bigger version of the Apple Cloth with a lot of fancy marketing words, but of course they wouldn’t understand how innovative the new Retina Microfiber Universal Liquid Repeller fabric technology is.

But you do. Oh my lord, you get it. Get it better than anyone. Everyone. And you need it. No, require it. Because you’re you, not like them. Them. Not like them at all.

And you’ll never believe what’s coming with the Apple Cloth 3.

Published January 12, 2022 - 1:56 pm UTC

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