Chelsea Peretti, the comedian best known for her role on Brooklyn Nine Nine, and the host of the 9th annual Crunchies, opened the show by verbally destroying the wealthy elite attending the event.
If you thought it’d be anything less than interesting when Peretti took the stage, her opening salvo put that fear to bed:
…excited to be here and host the Crunches — All the glitz and glam of the Oscars without any of the pressure of public interest.
Peretti, the sister of Buzzfeed founder Jonah Peretti, and a Bay-area native herself, used her time on stage to take shots at everything from the lack of diversity in tech, to the city’s treatment of its poor.
“My buddy TJ Miller told me you bitches couldn’t take the heat last year. Just kidding, he’s not my buddy, I hate all white men. Sorry everybody here.”
“I seriously was asked to speak on the issue of diversity in the tech world tonight. Uh, let me float out a kooky idea — hire a non-white host?”
“Another one of the categories tonight is called the ‘Include Diversity Award.’ Was that a literal note on your to-do list last year? Did you jot that down and forget to name it?”
On social issues and wealth inequality:
“It’s great to be back; this city looks amazing. Love what you did with the poor people.”
“This audience does look really diverse though, as I’m looking around, I’m starting to be impressed that the Bay Area has become such an inclusive place for both millionaires and billionaires.”
“Apple is nominated in the ‘new hardware’ category for making a pencil. Apple, are you even trying anymore? It feels like you’re phoning it in, as always.”
“Snapchat is nominated tonight, and they deserve it, you know, this company has completely revolutionized the way teenagers get pregnant.”
“There’s a big battle between Uber and Lyft. If this were basketball Lyft would be the Clippers and Uber would be Kobe Bryant because of all the rape stuff.”
And fast-rising startups:
“… fastest rising startup, Postmates, depends what you think fast is. God, it’s like, I love Postmates so much but you’re fucking yourselves when you’re so late.”
And Peretti left us with these words of wisdom:
“Sometimes you just have to make yourself happy… as you know as the one percent.”